Notes from the underground

Amazon shows pirates the welcome mat, shows Apple the finger

This past week, Amazon came completely out of left field and left both Apple and Google in the dust by offering cloud-computing servers on its webspace for paltry amounts of money (unless you buy an entire terabyte). In typical Apple and Google fashion, they will likely follow suit and claim they invented it, and thus it will become scribed in the annals of techno-lore as an Apple-Google joint.

That said, Amazon has made the conscious decision not to include support for any Apple portable device.

For those readers not in the know, cloud-computing is a fancy-pants term for “flash drive that you don’t have to carry around.” You upload all your stuff to a “virtual hard drive” courtesy of Amazon, then you can access it at any computer you like. Obviously the benefits are sky-high for the music pirate—they can get stoned and put on new music from any of their friends’ computers! Also, with broke college kids going “halfsies” on cloud space, Amazon has all but opened up the world of digital music sharing. Not only have they provided residency for wayward data pillagers, but they’re feeding and clothing them too! Good on you, Amazon!

 

Justin Bieber’s stupid hair goes on stupid tour

Last week, someone with more money than they should have bought a hunk of Justin Bieber’s hair from an auction site. Now they’re taking it on tour, a move that should leave many starving musicians lining up at pawn shops. Basically, the hair is so important that it requires its own security force, which has to be within its vicinity at all times.

Not only do I feel like an idiot for referring to a glob of hair as some kind of anthropomorphic being, but I also feel an overwhelming sweep of idiocy for sharing precious oxygen with those who would pay good money to look at a pile of hair and say “yep, that’s hair.” Meanwhile, children are starving because they lack the foresight to dig through some celebrity’s filthy dustbin and take their sandwich crusts on tour.

Essentially, common droll people living in Anytown’s Suburb USA are really ruining it for us. By paying cash to see this stupid thing, it’s really setting a precedent—that the discarded body parts of celebrities can be gathered up, encased in bulletproof glass and paraded around for money. Imagine the fervor in the tweaker community should this ever get out—rummaging around in trash and through hair piles and putrid sacks of trash while looking for copper wire can actually net some serious coin now.

 

George Clooney supposedly lives like Charlie Sheen wishes he could

Last Tuesday, George Clooney was served with something other than grapes from a ridiculously good-looking woman—court papers. If you didn’t know, the Prime Minister of Italy was accused of buying up a 17 year-old prostitute and then lying to cover it up. Apparently, Clooney is puzzled as to why he’s being called to the hotseat—other than attending one of the Prime Minister’s parties a while back, Clooney doesn’t know what all the hubbub is about.

The question arises, however, as to why the Prime Minister of Italy would ever have to pay for sex in the first place. Lawrence Taylor, retired defensive monster of the New York Giants, was also recently busted for paying for sex. I am not asserting that men in power should be able to have sex any time they want, but it tends to help. ?