Notes from the underground

Department of Homeland Security seizes websites, irrelevance

The Department of Homeland Security seized ATDHE.net earlier this week because the site was broadcasting live sports games, most of which are available via basic cable. Homeland Security said, “They included [other] programming from several networks as well.”

However, since the government has now gaffed the whole site up, we’ll never know if they’re just pulling our illegal-sports lovin’ legs.

This raises an interesting question, though: Should the government be allowed to just take someone’s website, regardless of the activity contained therein? Does the government have a list of things that are awaiting the a-OK to seek and destroy? Does the government obtain and carry out warrants for illegal search and seizure within days but drag its feet about healthcare, or anything important? Because I have to tell you, I have a pretty wicked chronic backache and now I can’t even watch hockey on the Internet. Thanks a lot, government.

Cleverly, ATDHE has just moved all their crap to another domain, ATDHE.me. The government apparently doesn’t care.

Citigroup buys EMI, music takes worst turn since you bought Sugar Ray’s album “Floored” and none of the tracks sounded anything remotely like “Fly”

In an unprecedented move, Citigroup, aka the bank, has purchased EMI, the publishing company responsible for the rights to hundreds of millions of songs.

This should not come as a shock to anybody who ever used the Internet and has had the disservice of downloading RIAA-planted scrambled mp3s off Kazaa.

The war between the music industry and the legion of Internet users has been well documented ever since Napster allowed us to download all the mislabeled Weird Al Yankovic songs we could ever want.

However, this acquisition raises a very important concern: How on Earth did a huge investment company see publishing rights to music as a wise investment? Has anyone who works for Citigroup driven past a Tower Records or FYE in the last three years, or do they all take a helicopter or zipline to work?

All this means is that advertising firms have to call up the bank every time they want to use that 5 6 7 8’s song in another commercial. To be honest, I’m OK with this, as long as they have to hear the same hold music we do.

Jean-Claude Van Damme now officially stingier than Burt Reynolds

At Drai’s restaurant in Hollywood last week, Jean Claude Van Damme thoroughly smashed the cheap tip record previously held by Burt Reynolds.

For a $940 bill, Van Damme left a paltry $40—or 4 percent. This 4-percent travesty finally bumped out Burt Reynolds, who had previously been handing out autographed 8x10s of himself along with small monetary compensation. Due to tens of thousands of old women who still watch Shamus on AMC every other day, the demand for Burt Reynolds autographs still has not hit its ceiling on eBay.

In all fairness, Van Damme is from Belgium, and the rumors are true—Europe is not as loose with the tips as Americans are. That said, Van Damme has been dining at our luxury establishments for years now—get the hint.

Perhaps this is Van Damme’s last gasp of royalty money and this is all he can afford to tip until TBS brings back “Movies for Guys Who Like Movies” or until AMC renews “Bloodsport” with yet another five-year contract.