Notes from the underground

The royal wedding makes 90 percent of Americans look stupid: Last Friday, Kate Middleton and Prince William finally exchanged vows in one of the most tear-jerking media subterfuges in recent memory.

The royal wedding makes 90 percent of Americans look stupid

Last Friday, Kate Middleton and Prince William finally exchanged vows in one of the most tear-jerking media subterfuges in recent memory. People gathered the world over to camp out as close to Buckingham Palace, hotels, and other places that anyone even remotely connected to the royal family had so much as eaten lunch.

Someone even showed up in a dog mask in order to coordinate Kate Middleton’s fashion choices before she left to go get married. A dog mask! Between that and the collection of truly goofy hats, coupled with the fact that the American media cared about twenty times more than the English media, the whole spectacle behind the wedding itself overshadowed the matrimony. American journalists flocked to England to garrote English shopkeepers about Middleton’s hat choices. “Inside Edition” even aired an episode primarily concerned with UK-only news.

I’m not trying to be insensitive, but people are dying. Can we scrap the Disney princess mentality for a second to get right? Also, NBC interrupted Ice T’s appearance on Fallon to show this crap. How dare they!


Donald Trump really earns his toupee and blotchy skin

Recently, Donald Trump went on record saying “I have a good relationship with the blacks.” Note that there are no brackets in that sentence to indicate that I included “the.” He really said that.

Trump, as you may know is the media figurehead of a small, stupid group called “birthers.” Essentially, these people are the ones that believe that because a black man is in the Oval Office, it has to be by some bizarre higher-up trickery—an elaborate Rube Goldberg machine-like ruse that had to have been orchestrated by a cascading list of bureaucrats.

Birthers will tell you that it’s not at all racially motivated, that the inquiry is genuine. However, there has never been a “birther” movement for any other (read: white) president. It’s all good, bros. As long as there’s an African-American guy running the country, we’re just going to need to see a little ID. Routine procedure.

Either way, Obama finally produced his birth certificate, but to nobody’s surprise, it didn’t shut them up. Trump himself is taking credit for the ignorance, which is fine by me.

After all of this, it was revealed that Trump got sued a while back for refusing to rent out his property to black people. Surprise, surprise.


Skrillex has all his crap stolen in Italy, thieves practically turn themselves in

Arguably the biggest name in electronic music right now, Skrillex, aka Sonny Moore was staying at a hotel in Milan, Italy where all of his computer stuff was stolen. The stuff in question was his laptop and his hard drives, where he kept each Skrillex master track. The drives also held the bits and pieces which comprised Skrillex’ new album, along with unfinished remixes of other tracks.

One of the remixes was a dubstep mix of Lady Gaga’s “Born this Way.” Hours after the theft, the unfinished track surfaced on YouTube as an “unreleased Skrillex track.” Skrillex posted a message on his Facebook page where he said things like “God only knows how this leaked.”

It’s very obvious that Skrillex was surprised to see his stolen work surface on YouTube, but the whole Facebook posting is evidence that he was surprised that whoever had it had uploaded it in the first place. The YouTube account is indeed run by a citizen of the European Union. Here’s to hoping he has Skrillex’ stuff and returns it safely. ?