Playing sick

If the thought has occurred to you to call in sick in order to get some “personal” time, your window of opportunity has arrived. According to the website fluFACTS.com, the peak of flu season falls between late December and March. That means your employer is expecting some call-ins, and it’s time to get your story straight. Calling in sick when you’re actually not is tricky. It’s important to be prepared and calculate your risks.

Don’t feel bad

The first and probably most damaging risk is guilt. The fake call-in is likely to cause mild anxiety. Knowing that you’ve told a lie could ruin your whole day. Since ruining your day is exactly the opposite of what you’re after, steel yourself with the following fact: The average vacation time for Americans is only two weeks per year. If you worked in high school, you’re currently working in college and possibly are destined to work as many as 45, 50 or (gasp) 55 more years, you don’t have a lot of free time coming to you. That means you may have to take what you can get.

For many of us the amount of vacation time we have depends on the kindness of our employers. While some employers recognize the necessity of letting their workers have time off, others, sadly, do not. Americans have especially low allowances of vacation time compared to Europeans, and sometimes the only way to get a breather is to wait for inclement weather or call in sick.

Be prepared

Pick your ailment. Do your research. Determine the plausibility of your story. It’s of utmost importance to do your homework for everything to go well. After all, you don’t want to get fired. You just want some time away. Don’t get distracted by the new skis or snowboard you got for Christmas. Before you debate on whether to use snow tires or chains, put your game plan together.

What’s wrong with you

Picking the right disease is where everything falls apart for most people. If you’re not an actor and don’t have allergies, bronchitis is not for you. There’s nothing worse than unrealistic congestion. However, if you’re set on bronchitis (maybe everyone else had it and you want your shot at the time off), make your call as close to when you first wake up as possible. That way you will have “morning voice.” Remember not to talk or clear your throat before calling, and pinch your nostrils together while talking. Bronchitis, however, is not the way to go unless you are desperate or fully confident in your acting abilities. Be prepared to research phlegm.

If you decide on “flu” as your assailant, log on to fluFACTS.com, and scroll to the bottom of the page, where you will find a map of the United States. Type in your ZIP code to pull up statistics on the prevalence of flu in your area. If your area is above 90 percent, flu is a reasonable candidate for your illness. Flu can be dangerous and is certainly nothing to joke about. If you do contract the flu, see your doctor as soon as possible and you may be able to get an antiviral medication.

The king of illness

The king of illnesses for calling in sick, however, is diarrhea. Diarrhea is glorious. No one wants to hear about it. Fewer questions will be asked. There is no need to fake congestion, cough or even use the “morning voice.” Just sound tired and explain that you went out to eat the night before and you don’t know, but it may have been the shrimp.

Beware of addiction

Another risk to consider is addiction. Sadly, a few people who have experienced success with the random sick call-in have become chronic abusers. After they get away with it a few times, it goes to their heads and they extend their calls past the window of opportunity (December-March). All of a sudden it’s July and, “cough, choke,” they can’t come in. If you find that you have run out of original personal excuses and are starting to rely on the maladies of others (your roommate, brother, father, uncle, dog, or goldfish), you have become a “chronic caller” and it is already too late. Your co-workers know, your boss knows and, to be sure, your personnel file grows. As the common-sense Greek philosopher Theognis of Megara put it nearly 27 centuries ago, “Be not too zealous; moderation is best in all things.”

Stay well

All of your efforts will be shot to hell if you do actually get sick. The last thing you want after a righteous fake call-in is to get the flu for real. It’s important to take measures to protect yourself against the bacteria and viruses that are especially active this time of year. Medical professionals say the best preventative against infection is regular and thorough handwashing. Wash hands with soap and water as hot as you can bear for at least three minutes at a time. To be especially vigilant, use a paper towel to grab the bathroom door handle as you exit. Grocery stores sell anti-bacterial hand sanitizers that can be rubbed onto your hands like lotion. These work well if you have frequent customer contact or handle cash. Try not to touch your eyes, nose or mouth with your hands between washings. This could introduce viruses or bacteria directly into your system.

If you ride public transportation you may be doomed, but wearing a scarf around your nose and mouth may give some protection against airborne agents. The rest is what we hear on TV, eat right, exercise and get plenty of sleep. Smoking, drinking and other “fun” activities tend to weaken the immune system, so discarding one’s vices during peak flu season may also help.

If you get the flu

If you do succumb to the flu this year, keep that stuff at home. Call in, see your doctor and be kind to the rest of us-don’t come in.