Protecting PSU

In the past, Portland State has been mercifully free of the typeof terrorist threats that have plagued other areas of the country,in spite of the inarguably pivotal strategic role PSU plays in ourgreat nation.

However, as the current Homeland Security rage seems to bechanging the color-coded Homeland Security Advisory System, whatbetter time for the PSU administration to unveil our owncolor-coded Terror Alert System?

You never know when unverified, non-specific, three-year-oldintelligence may come back to bite you, so better to be ready.

Should they heed my advice, such a system might work along thefollowing six Terror Alert Levels…

There is absolutely no risk of terrorist attack. It is possible toleave your door unlocked, converse with whomever you please andfrolic freely in the open air without bringing along your oxygenmask. Speaking of oxygen, don’t hold your breath for this one tohappen anytime soon.

40% GRAY
Just because the alert is green doesn’t mean there is no danger ofa terrorist attack. You should still keep a watchful eye on yoursurroundings. Take special note if you see any “Kerry forPresident” bumper stickers and avoid speaking to anyone who givesthe appearance of being from overseas. However, feel free toventure out in public to conduct your daily business. It is evenpermissible to leave home for recreational purposes. Alwaysremember to conduct yourself in a safe and legal manner. If our owncollege students are out behaving illegally or immorally, they arethat much more susceptible to subversion and recruitment by localterrorist organizations.

60% GRAY
Possible causes of a 60% Gray Alert: a Bush administration officialis visiting the area, the fleet is in town for Rose Festivalweekend, a tuition increase is announced. In the event of a 60%Gray Alert, remain “calm but guarded,” as the Alert Level couldflutter up to an 80% Gray at any time. Don’t talk to strangers ortake candy from them. Don’t ride public transportation. Only eatfood that comes in sealed packages. Stay home except when attendingclass. Avoid consumption of alcohol or illicit drugs, as you willneed a clear head to accurately gauge the presence of anysuspicious activity.

80% GRAY
The Alert Level will be raised to 80% Gray when large numbers ofswarthy “furriners” are spotted in the area, when anyone engaged inan organized protest mentions the word “bomb,” or when the normallyhealthy, teeming populations of pigeons and rats on campus start todie off in inexplicably large numbers. In the event of a 80% GrayAlert, SWAT teams will do random room searches of campus housingproperties, all international students will be relocated todetention camps in the northwest industrial section of Portland andno one else will be allowed to leave the campus until the AlertLevel falls to at least 60% Gray.

In the event that the Terrorist Alert Level is raised to Dark Gray,be aware that a severe threat to your physical safety is imminent.Potential situations which could raise the Alert Level to Dark Grayinclude, but are not limited to, Ryder trucks or other large movingvans being parked behind the Ondine for long periods of time,paramilitary forces massing in the park blocks, or large numbers ofpeople spontaneously starting to bleed through their pores. In theevent of a Dark Gray Alert, a full-scale campus evacuation isadvisable. If the alert is given at too late a juncture to effectan evacuation, get under your desk and cover your head until CampusPublic Safety advises that the threat has passed.

The new color code is not foolproof, but if the Terrorist AlertSystem prevents just one terrorist attack it will have been worthwhatever sacrifices are necessary. This new System will helpprotect students, faculty, unclassified employees and even randompassersby from any threats to their safety and well being while inthe vicinity of our great university. Therefore, do not attempt tofight the System.
Embrace the System, for it is the only thing between you and ahellish fireball leveling everything within a six-block radius.Thank you for your patience and understanding. If at any time thealert level makes you uneasy, raises your stress level, orinterferes with your concentration on schoolwork, special TerrorAlert Counselors will be available through Student Health Servicesto talk you through this difficult time and, if necessary, put youon an antidepressant IV drip.