QB Snap – Words from Portland State’s Queen Bee Ryan Klute

“I’ll break it down for you now, baby It’s simple: If you be a nympho, I’ll be a nympho.” Ladies, did that pick-up line make you want to fuck me? No? Wait, read it again and pretend that you are in a loud smoky bar and I just sent you a $4 drink. Still no? What if I was wearing really dark sunglasses and a Ghostbusters shirt and untied tan boots? Fine, it’s your loss. I am going to regroup and go try it again on that blonde a few tables over.

No, this isn’t one of my lines. The credit all goes to one of our generation’s most gifted lyricists, 50 Cent. But this line, and many others, must be working because stupid boys continue to use them when they want ladies to touch their wieners. I don’t go to the straight bars too often, but when I go with a group of friends, the best part is watching all you awkward straight boys try to get laid, often by my lady friends who are far too pretty for you. But, because you are most likely alone, let me share some tips that may keep you from going home to your well-used Victoria’s Secret catalog.

1. Its dark and warm inside bars–lose the sunglasses and jacket. Yes, it will be difficult for the women to know right away that you can drop $200 on a pair of Ray Bans and $600 on a Sean John leather jacket, but I promise you, all they really are saying is: “Look how clever I am, you can’t tell, but I’m looking at your tits through my shades.” Classy. Every lady knows what you are up to, so knock it off.

2. No more pick-up lines. Ever. The line above is just one example of how bad they can be, and trust me, I have heard worse. After you drop your clever “Superman on dat ho” line and the girl goes back and giggles with her friends and they all look over, they are not saying, “That funny boy is so knowledgeable in Soulja Boy lyrics! What a catch! I should let him have me in the bathroom right now!” Rather, they are all laughing at your lame ass and trying to determine how long they can lead you on for free drinks.

3. Clever shirts are not clever. “Don’t hassle the Hoff” isn’t funny even when David is wearing it. The only people who think your shirt that says “Mo Money, Mo Pizza” is funny, are your guy friends. And that was when you were in sixth grade, and they only thought it was funny because they didn’t get it. Also, jerseys with famous people’s names on them only serve as a reminder that you are short and chubby and will never play professional basketball.

4. Please stop dancing like you are having a seizure. International standards call only for one “fake-booty-slap-like-you-have-bent-over-an-imaginary-lady” move per hour. If you find yourself doing this move more often, please remove yourself from the dance floor and just go home. Also, please avoid “raising the roof” too often, you have pit stains and there’s no need to emphasize them.

5. Finally, pick a lady remotely in your league. If she looks like Natalie Portman or Yasmine Bleeth, and you don’t look like Brad Pitt or Jude Law, don’t even try. Her boyfriend is in the bathroom and is bigger than you. Just because “that one time” that really hot girl was “totally into you” at that one bar, doesn’t mean lightning is going to strike twice. She was drunk and had recently broken up with her boyfriend. You just happened to be there. Don’t push it, tell the story to your friends, but avoid the embarrassment of attempting the feat again. It’s not going to happen.

These are my tips, so please: take them to heart, straight boys. I know that if you do, your chances of awkward groping at her parents’ house will greatly increase.