Rant & Rage: Kids vs. Dogs

Kids. Once your friends have them, they can’t stop talking about them. Sometimes they can’t stop making them.

Kids. Once your friends have them, they can’t stop talking about them. Sometimes they can’t stop making them. Once a baby enters the picture, say goodbye to your friend, or at least the nature of your relationship, because they are no longer your friend—they’re a breeder. And breeders love talking about their babies.

If you’re like me, and a significant number of other folks out there, all you have to relate are stories and information about your dog. This, apparently, is a bit insulting for parents, who will go off about how kids are different and on another level than a dog. Well, they’re right. Kids are different than dogs—dogs are way better.

First off, babies aren’t cute, or at least all babies aren’t cute. There are some real adorable little munchkins out there, but just because the kid is a baby, it doesn’t automatically qualify them as cute. Believe me, there are plenty of ugly babies out there. In my experience, I’ve come across more ugly, if not mediocre-looking, brats than I have cute babies.

Let me put it this way: That Anne Geddes photographer didn’t just stick any random kid in a fruit, flowerpot or other creepy scenario. I’ll bet she had a lineup of unattractive rejects before finding a cute baby to stuff into a watermelon.

Just try and find a homely puppy. You might locate one or two, but it would be quite a chore. Puppies are adorable—so much so that it’s safer to make it a general rule that puppies are automatically cute than to assume babies are by default. Even if you do find an unattractive dog, they’re usually ugly in a cute way. Dogs even make ugly cute!

I’ll let you in on another tidbit of information: Your kids aren’t that interesting, either. They can crawl on their own now—big deal. I do that most weekends, and sometimes I even make it to the bed all on my own. Your baby learning how to be normal isn’t big news. A dog learning how to skateboard, or getting you a beer from the fridge—now that is something to talk about. Can your baby get you a beer from the fridge? I didn’t think so.

You also can’t crate train a baby. Or at least, you can if you don’t get caught. What is the big deal about making sure the little tike isn’t off and about running into things and getting into cleaning products? A crate is a lot like a crib if you think about it, and people put their kids in those all the time. It’s like a crib with a top, and a lockable door. Besides, parents put their kids in those playpen areas, and that is just one big crate to trap them in. I never would put a baby in a playpen, though (I watched too much “Rugrats” and know better). Which is another point: You don’t have to hide your screwdrivers from puppies.

Now both dogs and babies make noise, and at times such noise is annoying and unbearable. At least with a dog you can use a barking collar, another method frowned upon by parents. And if you don’t like barking collars, you can still use a spray bottle. But I have a feeling parents would also be against spraying their kid in the face when they get out of line.

Dogs are far more capable of taking on training than kids. Sure, puppies make accidents inside from time to time, but that stops quickly with a little guidance. Kids go around making a mess all over the place for months before they figure it out.

So we have the choice between misbehaved (untrained), noisy kids pooping themselves or a cute puppy dog who can fetch the paper. What’s sad is that most restaurants won’t allow a dog in, but they’ll let these brats right on in to ruin everyone else’s time.

Parents, don’t get on your high horse when your friends bring up their dogs. It’s not their fault you chose poorly and picked a pain in the ass over a cute and lovable four-legged fun machine. ?