Ribbed for your leisure

It’s summer time, and the livings, well, they’ve been pretty easy. So should your grilling. Why wait six to eight hours for ribs you’ll probably forget about as you pass out from drinking too many beers in this ungodly summer sun? You want to eat relatively soon, dammit! Use this recipe as a surefire way to feed your face before you fall asleep outside and acquire that horrible red hue only a tasty crustacean should have.

Step one: Prep your grill. If you’re using one of those blasphemous grills that use a form of natural gas popularized by a cartoon Texan, start your flame at around medium-high to high heat. If you’re grilling correctly, meaning with charcoal, get your coals flaming hot via a chimney starter. Once they’re ripping hot, dump those coals into the center of your grill and place the cooking grill on top.

Step two: In a large foil roasting pan, first place the ribs, one chopped onion and peppercorns. Then pour your beer and water over the top. Place the roasting pan on the hot grill and cover for 20–30 minutes.

Step three: While your ribs are on the grill, grab a medium saucepan and using either a stove or the burner option on your heathen gas grill, cook one tablespoon of oil, the other chopped onion and minced garlic cloves at medium-high heat. Cook the onions until they are translucent. Then add the vinegar, molasses or brown sugar, ketchup and Worcestershire sauce, and bring to a simmer for five minutes. Season the sauce with pepper and hot sauce.

Step four: By now your ribs, beer and water concoction should be at a boil. Move the roasting pan off of the grill and onto a stable platform. At this moment, you may want to add more charcoal (if you’re using this method). But if the coals are still emitting a ton of heat, then you’ll be fine. Remove your cooking surface and split your pile of coals to the sides of your grill; this will help control the temperature. Replace your cooking surface. If you’re using gas, turn down your burners and maintain 350° F.

Step five: Take the ribs out of the roasting pan, place them on your grill and slather them with that delicious sauce you’ve just made. Turn the ribs a quarter turn every 20 minutes, applying sauce each time, for one to one and a half hours. Or, if you’re unsure of whether the ribs are done, use a probe thermometer to see if the internal temperature is 145–150° F.

Step six: Once your ribs are done, throw them on a plate, sit back and relax in your favorite patio chair while sipping on a frosty brew of your choosing.