Scientific insanity in Portland proper

I, a vigorous and scientific man, disavow such mutterings of haunted superstition and mystery within these pages. Horror and terror—Ha!—signs of a fragile mind. I dare you, I say, double dog dare you. Crack my thoughts, inhibit my sanity you won’t.

Alas, what is this!

Witch’s Castle

Oregon’s first legal hanging condemned prospector and landowner Danford Balch for the shooting death of laborer Mortimer Stump. Balch refused his daughter’s hand to the lovestruck Stump, who fell in love with Anna while building up Balch’s property on the site of what is now known as the Witch’s Castle.

Despite her father’s disapproval, Anna and Stump eloped, leading to retaliation and murder. Their young love was cut down the evening they returned to announce their union. Scientific sources have recorded ghostly sounds and visions in the area: a despondent, hanging man with fury in his eyes and the vengeful look of a young female apparition. The long-deceased ghosts of Stump and the Balch family remain, haunting Halloween hikers and party goers alike.

Nina and the Shanghai Tunnels

Drunk patrons at the Merchant Hotel on Davis Street mysteriously disappear night after night, filling ships at harbor. As long as the bar tab is paid, no questions are asked. Prostitutes, criminals and other deviants have for years used the Shanghai Tunnels for their nefarious needs, the dark, winding corridors offering perfect undercover transport.

But there are boundaries. Working girl Nina tired of her double life between the hotel and the tunnels, determined to out the criminal lords who kidnapped her and forced her into servitude. Unfortunately, her captors discovered her plan, exacting revenge by throwing her down the hotel elevator shaft. Nina’s ghostly presence has been detected on several occasions through the use of highly sophisticated scientific instruments.


While conducting scientific research at 2:42 a.m. on October 25, Darles Charwin, professor emeritus of evolutionary biology, discovered the hulking form of Homo sasquatchis hunched over a burning branch of ghost train strain marijuana.

“This year’s La Niña stormfront threatens freezing temperatures and soaking woods,” explained Charwin student Jacqueline Crane. “Soothing stiff joints, H. sasquatchis showcased its tremendous form in soothing docility, allowing Charwin to approach and confirm its existence through scientific illustration.”

The illustration was found blown along the forest border. The reporter has been unable to locate Charwin for further comment. A mangled male corpse was found three miles into the woods. As of this publication, identification is unconfirmed.

Ghost MAX

Reports of empty MAX trains in off hours of the night have spooked residents along the light rail.

“No driver, no passengers, no nothing!” said Greg Ghostlin, professor of science. “That’s a ghost train, and I wouldn’t make a claim like that if I hadn’t analyzed it every which way. Systematic observation, measurement, experiment, formulation and testing: the whole nine yards. That’s a goddamned ghost train!”

And just where are those ghosts going?

Editor’s note: Science magazine publishes only the most rigorously tested theories. As our readers are of the most sophisticated and practical bent, we assure you that the above is no mere superstition or play. This is science fact!