Seeing Stars Horoscope

Aries (March 21-April 20) Zach Braff

It’s one of the oldest stories in the book, Aries; Nerd islonely, meets great girl/boy, nerd gets famous, nerd ditches greatgirl/boy for glamour, nerd realizes the fuck up too late. ZachBraff is all hot shit now that “Garden State” and “Scrubs” arehits, but what’s he doing with Mandy Moore instead of NataliePortman? Don’t be a dummy, Aries, getting your rocks off is nosubstitution for not being bored.

Taurus (April 21- May 21) Tony Danza

Tony Danza recently said in an interview that he has neverstepped in front of a camera without working out first. That’s youTaurus, hard core. But you get too caught up in the details, what’sthe point of looking good on camera if you’re filming totaltrash?

Gemini (May 22- June 21) Clint Eastwood

Just goes to show you, Gemini, if you live long enough peoplewill eventually forget all about the fact that you’re a hack.

Cancer (June22-July 22) Cory Feldman

Just goes to show you, Cancer, if you fail long enough peoplewill eventually forget you ruled in “The Goonies.”

Leo (July 23-August 23) Ruben Patterson

It takes more than talent to get your dues, Leo. Take a lessonfrom Ruben Patterson. No matter how good you are, if you want 25minutes on the court, you’ve got to earn it. There are plenty oftalented people who aren’t assholes.

Virgo (August 24-September 22) Christopher Reeve

Being Superman involves more than extraordinary talent. It takesextraordinary diligence and perseverance. Christopher Reeve hadthose things. It’s too bad he’s gone, but you can head that waytoo, Virgo. Don’t wait for your life to change you; it might be toolate by then.

Libra (September 23- October 23) Bruce Springsteen

Just because his music went down hill doesn’t make Bruce anyless of the “Boss.” Being the “Boss” is about more than flash inthe pan popularity contests, it’s about kicking stone cold for yourwhole career. Keep looking at the big picture, Libra. Brucewould.

Scorpio (October 24-November 22) Sean “P-Diddy” Combs

A schizophrenic acquaintance of mine was telling me recently howPuff or P. or whatever was going to make him a cultural icon. It’sso telling of Puff’s legacy. He doesn’t make art, he makes people.Make art, Scorpio, people are a pain in the tushie.

Sagittarius (November 23- December 21) Tina Turner

Umm…you have great legs and are a survivor? Way to go,Sagittarius.

Capricorn (December 22- January 20) Howard Stern

Howard has made a name for himself by being uncompromising. ButI’m not sure I agree with his bold move to satellite radio. Justbecause your brash decisions have led to success in the past meansnothing now, Capricorn. Don’t rest on your laurels; treat eachchoice with the severity of your first.

Aquarius (January 21- February 19) Justin Timberlake

That’s right, stay sexy and never look back. Leaving theovershadowing Ms. (Mrs.?) Spears was the best move J.T. ever made.You know you’re classier and more talented than those hot shitjerks around you, Aquarius, now prove it.

Pisces (February 20- March 20) Jon Bon Jovi

Only in an election year could simply being a democrat forgivedecades of bad decisions, but fortunately for your fellow Pisces,Jon Bon, politics beat out a series of terrible haircuts. Cash inon your get-out-of-obscurity-free card now, Pisces, elections areless than a month away.