Shave gone to waste


The Text

You’re finally able to go out and have some fun with a special someone. Of course, you want to feel and look your absolute best, and for many of us that means shaving every inch of our bodies until we achieve skin as smooth as room temperature butter. But as you’ve just hopped out of the shower, hairless as a naked mole rat, you get a text from your date that makes your blood boil—they’ve canceled. A flurry of frustration rages on like a bitter blizzard in your brain as your plans freeze over, giving you goosebumps that erase all your shaving efforts. Here are just a few hair-raising thoughts that might cross your mind.

Wasted Time

In order to get maximum smoothness, one must take their time in the art of shaving. Hurrying can lead to painful cuts and razor burn, not to mention the dreaded streak of missed hair left on the outside of your calf, mocking you every time you glance down at your legs. Time wasted meticulously grooming your body could have been better spent binging You on Netflix or macking down on some bomb orange chicken from Postmates.

Wasted Products

We all know razors aren’t cheap, especially those pink “women’s” razors (with that weird but oddly helpful moisturizing strip) that cost an unshaved arm and a leg. Every stroke of that razor makes it that much more dull, wearing it down until you realize you’re basically shaving with a couple of dull blades that are about as good as a pair of kiddie scissors. When you think about it, a wasted shave is pretty much snatching money out of your pocket, which is grounds for reparations.

Pain in Vain

As irksome as it is that time and materials are being squandered, the possible pain you may have endured might just be the most infuriating part of this whole hairless ordeal. Think about it: The fiery razor bumps that cannot be extinguished by even the most cooling witch hazel lotion out there, or the sharp sting and never ending bleeding of a knick on your heel that makes you truly understand the pain Achilles may have felt when he was so viciously slain. And like Achilles, you are a warrior that has been defeated, and for your loss, you suffer not only the emotional shame of a rain check, but physical pain via a Gillette razor.

Self Care

Although it’s disheartening to be canceled on after putting forth the effort to be your smoothest self, there are a few positives to consider. First of all, grooming is, in essence, a form of self care, and I don’t know about you, but I’ll take all the self care opportunities I can get. Just because someone else isn’t around to enjoy all your silky soft bod has to offer doesn’t mean you can’t revel in your own smoothness! Also, now that you’re free of plans, you can snuggle up to a good podcast, or better yet, show off your sexy clean-cut self at the club, where someone else might appreciate your hair taming artistry.