Shiv to Shank

On Wednesday, March 31, a computer malfunction affected over800,000 credit and debit card transactions at Wal-Marts nationwide,causing some shoppers to be charged two or three times for the samepurchase, marking the first occasion Wal-Mart has sold products ator above manufacturing cost. Although at the time, none of the ofthe Wal-Mart shoppers noticed the absence of “slashed prices” forthey were too busy slashing the throats of their own grandmothersin order to get a DVD player that was on sale for $39.99.

We at the Shivtastic desk of Shankdom are outraged! We recentlyreceived notice that our subscription to Al-Hawza, the reactionaryShiite newspaper to the U.S.-led occupation in Iraq was cancelledlast week after the U.S. Army shut it down on orders from PaulBremer, U.S. administrator to Iraq. While we haven’t been thisupset since George magazine went broke, we are pleased that theBush-led U.S. coalition is finally starting to treat Iraq like areal democracy, where freedom of the press only applies to ahandful of billionaires and Kinko’s employees.

A recent report from the University of California emphasized theimportance of treating smoking in films the same way that it treatsoffensive language – by mandating an R-rating to films that portraysmoking in them, restricting patronage to those older than 17 orminors accompanied by a chain-smoking, foul-mouthed adult. Inresponse to the report, which chose to examine subjective emotionsin lieu of experimental data, an anonymous movie executiveresponded, “Look, these fucking fascists won’t be happy until noone can have any fucking fun anymore. You can’t fucking smoke infucking restaurants, or fucking bars and now they want to restrictsmoking on fucking celluloid?! It’s fucking ridiculous! Shit, nextthey’ll want any fucking movie with a fucking automatic machine gunto be rated fucking R! Fuck Christ on a stick people, think aboutthe motherfucking teenagers for a change! Motherfucking teenagersneed to see automatic fucking weapons! It’s like fucking catharticor some shit. Fuck, I need a cigarette. Do you fucking have one? Ohshit, don’t worry about it, I gotta go – I have an oxygen facial atthree.”

Attendance at the annual San Francisco Furry convention was lowlast weekend as more than 600 nerds from around the Bay Areacongregated at the University of San Francisco to assemble theirobsolete computer equipment into a recycled supercomputer, thelikes of which the world has never seen (outside of Japan). They,of course, failed, as so many nerds have before them, and as somany nerds will surely do so again in the future. Organizersrecognized their defeat, stating: “We know when we’ve beenfragged,” but said that they would try again next year, althoughthey will leave the supercomputing to the Japanese and instead tryto assemble Voltron, built to a life-size scale of course. Theevent will be sponsored by Wizards of the Coast and MountainDew.

Have you ever wondered how all of the components of yourMcDonald’s double cheeseburger or your Subway Atkins-friendly wrapassemble themselves? Manufacturing, my friends! This is accordingto the recent Economic Report of the President, in which the BushAdministration has reclassified service positions in the fast foodindustry as manufacturing jobs. Suddenly, all of those layoffs atIntel don’t seem so bad, as former Ford Motors employees weldtogether a Whopper with cheese with extra mayo! Editorial aside,this is the most ridiculous thing a Republican president has donesince Regan classified ketchup as a vegetable.

A couple in Statesbourough, Georgia was arrested March 18 aftera theological dispute turned violent, following their attendance of”The Passion of the Christ”. The couple hasn’t had a run in withthe law following a heated exchange ofcinematic-criticism-turned-domestic-violence since the 1985theatrical release of “The Goonies.”

The Portland police continued their long tradition of turningminor traffic stops of minority citizens into fatal shootingsfollowing the March 28 death of James Perez, who suffered threegunshot wounds to the chest fired by police Officer Jason Sery.While police Chief Derrick Foxworth has thus far approached theincident with sensitivity, in the future this sensitivity should beapplied before incidents like this occur.

In an effort to assimilate immigrant populations and kids whoshop at Hot Topic into “mainstream ‘American’ culture,” the GeorgiaHouse of Representatives voted to ban female genital mutilation,including circumcision and piercing. The bill passed 160-0 with nodebate. To celebrate, lawmakers stopped by a 7-11, downed three 24oz. cans of Coors Light apiece and proceeded to the local mall toget Prince Alberts. The next morning, an anonymous piercedrepresentative was heard saying, “I didn’t know I’d have to sitdown to pee.”

In response to a record number of French Canadians rushing tothe Gulf of St. Lawrence to club baby seals, celebrities such asParis Hilton, Christina Applegate and that one guy from that oneboy band, have restarted the campaign begun by Brigitte Bardot inthe 1970s and 80s to stop the beating of those poor baby seals bywearing T-shirts emblazoned with the phrase, “Club sandwiches, notseals.” Friends of Pigs Intl., FPI, have reacted to thecontroversial t-shirt with their own t-shirt with a similarlyreactive slogan, “Pork Hiltons, not chops.”

Top Five Reasons (this week) to not chose Iraq as a holidaydestination:

5. There is only one amusement park and it’s dedicated to “TheExorcist” and run by the U.S. Army.

4. Referring to yourself as a “newsperson” is synonymous with”unemployed” and is now possible grounds for imprisonment.

3. Talk of “mutilated corpses” is not a ride at “The Exorcist”amusement park.

2.While protests in the U.S. are a good place to meet your”spring fling,” protests in Iraq are a good place to meet yourmaker.

1. While they keep telling you that the war is over, tell thatto the 31 people who died over the weekend.