Shiv to Shank

On Sunday’s “Meet the Press,” Ralph Nader announced, to thedismay of most environmentalists, consumer advocates, members ofthe Green Party, all sorts of -PIRGs and his own family, that heindeed plans to run for President of the United States, or,according to the Democratic Party, “do an interpretive dance of atrain wreck.” In fact, the only person who seemed elated by therecent announcement was President Bush, who, when found giggling inthe Rose Garden as he played with his “hydrogen-powered” Tonkatrucks, stated, “Wow! This time I might not even have to callJeb.”

Last week, the Polaroid Corporation held a press conferencewarning consumers to not “shake it like a Polaroid picture” assuggested in the Outkast song, “Hey Ya.” In fact, shaking aPolaroid picture may damage the film. Subsequently, IMMA, theInternational Milkshake Makers Association, released a pressstatement distancing itself from the recently popular Kelis song,”Milkshake,” stating, “The milkshake was never intended tofacilitate sexual assault in the ‘yard’ or anywhere else for thatmatter. We do not support the fetishistic eroticisation of thiswholesome dairy product.”

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Supreme Ultimate Governor of the State ofCalifornia and frequent misogynist, rolled out his firstgubernatorial policy decisions recently. What he is against:people, who are not him, getting married. What he is for: people,who are him, should be able to run for the office of the Presidentof the United States.

Miss Chen Lili, a 24 year-old fashion model from the Sichuanprovince of China and a former man, was given the go-ahead to enterthe Miss Universe-China pageant marking the first occasion when theMiss Universe pageant will be truly universal. “After everythingthat I have been through,” she said, “I am just elated to finallyhave an opportunity to be judged solely on how I look in a bathingsuit. Hmm, maybe a two-piece?”

A Shiv from the Future: President Bush’s proposal to amend theConstitution to ban gay marriage will inadvertently legalize thecontroversial union, when conservatives and liberals agree that theConstitution of the United States is no longer a place to segregatethe populace. Unfortunately, no such assessment will be made ofTexas statute.

Giorgio Armani, known for his overpriced suits and for the workhe has done towards the creation of a new international race ofsuper consumers known as “metrosexuals” (formerly known asEuropeans), announced Sunday that he will develop a chain ofoverpriced hotels, where metrosexuals and their kin can stay infabulous rooms in designer cities in select “jet-set accessible”countries around the world. Openly competing with the vast HiltonEmpire has analysts wondering when the Giorgio Armani designer sextape will catwalk down the Internet, tentatively entitled, “Giorgiodoes Milan.”

Italian police have busted a ring of fraudulent homosexuals, whowere paying off doctors to identity them as “gay” to avoidmandatory military service. The Italian cure for homosexuality-twoweeks of bed rest, an issue of Maxim, and absolutely no salami-asprescribed by these “medical experts,” has been revoked by theauthorities in the wake of the patients’ recently outedheterosexuality.

The Great Muppet Caper: In news of the lovers, the dreamers andmultinational conglomerates, the Disney Corporation has purchasedthe rights to the beloved Muppet characters from the family of JimHenson only proving that no rainbow is ever sacred.