Welp, it’s about Christmastime again, and you know what that means: corporate-sponsored shopping, angry Salvation Army Santas, Christmas music, family drama and, oh yeah—drinking. If you can’t take grandmas yelling or caroling any longer, here is a little guide to hit the sauce festively.
In an attempt to get your boozing done right, I want to give you some options this year—all the norms I know. First of all, the obvious: brandy, rum and eggnog. Or Rumple Minze, straight out of the bottle if you want to hate yourself in the morning, or with hot cocoa for my favorite after-dinner drink while watching a movie. These are staples, along with hot buttered rum, hot apple cider and rum-and-coffee drinks; to get some whiskey in there, try hot toddies.
You might be noticing a trend here—they are all loaded with sugar. It’s Christmastime, so what the hell, let’s continue! All of these drinks can be made from scratch, but in the case of eggnog and buttered rum, maybe it’s best to just buy it from the store. But some other sweet concoctions are easy to make.
1½ cups Irish whiskey (most recipes recommend Jameson; I used Old Crow because that’s how I roll; the whiskey flavor will really show through, though, so if you have the money, buy yourself a smooth Irish whiskey of your choice)
One 14-ounce can sweetened condensed milk (this stuff is the best, very healthy)
2 tablespoons chocolate syrup
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
2 teaspoons instant coffee (or if you don’t mind it being thinner, 5 ounces of Stumptown Cold Brew)
1 cup heavy cream
The directions are simple: blend everything but the cream, then mix in the cream afterward with a spoon. You can store it in the fridge, and it will keep for a few weeks. There are a ton of pompous-ass drinks made with Irish Cream, but just drink it straight as a dessert or in coffee with some cinnamon.
Another huge favorite holiday drink is Chartreuse, a French liquor made by monks with sometimes over a hundred herbs and spices. It is sweet and spicy, and has that complex herby aperitif flavor that lets you tell yourself it’s good for you.
On cold nights, with a date, you can also bring some oranges, lemons, cloves, nutmeg, cinnamon and sugar to a boil. Then mix with some brandy and you have mulled wine. This has many variations, made with different booze, such as Gluhwein.
There is a Puerto Rican holiday drink called Coquito, which is a cinnamon, coconut and rum delight. It is a pretty in-depth process to make, but if you dare, Google it. Best served out of a milk jug.
Some might also consider absinthe a holiday drink. I don’t see it, but what the hell, any time is a good time to drink some 120-proof booze.
Lastly there is Kahlua, not a holiday drink at all, but it is so easy to make that it can’t be neglected. It is equal parts simple syrup, coffee and Everclear. It will come out stronger than 40 percent, and you can make White Russians without the vodka or even a bourbon White Russian.
So this holiday season, when the nights get cold and the air is white, get those cheeks good and red with any variety of these drinks. Careful on the sugar intake, and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do…but since you don’t know me, I guess that means do whatever the hell you want.
Please drink responsibly.