Shiv to Shank

A Shiv from the Future: President Bush arrives in Great Britain today, where we expect that he will receive the warmest welcome that any U.S president has received from the English since the War of 1812.

A Shank from the Past: The British Parliament was placed on the terrorist watch list for burning down the White House and associating with Canadians during the War of 1812, after Vice President Dick Cheney briefed President George Bush on the history of U.S.-British relations.

On Monday, Arnold Schwarzenegger was sworn in as the governor of California, marking the beginning of former Californian Gov. Pete Wilson’s third term, disregarding God’s recent warnings of devastating forest fires, torrential hailstorms and “The Matrix: Revolutions.” No word yet from above on what will be the next plague to ravage the world’s fifth largest economy.

Rush Limbaugh returned to his morning talk show Monday after a five-week stint in a drug rehab center. He returned to the AM waves as a reformed drug addict who still hates drug addicts, people who can’t afford drugs, people who can’t go to work because of their drug problems, and immigrant workers who have to go to Safeway parking lots to procure drugs for their overprivileged, unnamed radio talk show host bosses, those same immigrant workers who then leak this information to the “liberal” media, which then leads to that same overprivileged, unnamed radio talk show host taking a five-week stint in a drug rehab center, returning to the AM waves as a reformed drug addict, who still hates drug addicts, people who can’t afford drugs, people who can’t go to work because of their drug problems, and immigrant workers who have to go to Safeway parking lots to procure drugs for their overprivileged, unnamed radio talk show host bosses, those same immigrant workers who then leak this information to the “liberal” media, which then leads to that same overprivileged, unnamed radio talk show taking …