Swag of our lives

One of the perks of working for the Vanguard (along with the six-figure salary and weekly make-out parties) is the free stuff that people send us in the hopes that we will write about it. Unfortunately, the truly vast scope of our media empire is in this case limited, ensuring that despite our best efforts our group of capable and stalwart writers is unable to cover the flood of bands/films/art galleries/company picnics that we are alerted to on an almost daily basis.

Since the year is winding to a close we have chosen this time to showcase some of the aforementioned free crap the Vanguard has received over the past 12 months and, for some reason or another, has been unable to cover. Feast your eyes (and some of your other senses) on this beautiful collection of glorious swag.

Naughtinano
by OhMiBod
Reason it didn’t get coverage: Surprisingly, no one was willing to field test it.

“If music be the food of love, play on”—William Shakespeare
“So you’re supposed to hook this thing up to your iPod and then it diddles you in rhythm to Ace of Base or some shit?”—Anonymous Vanguard staff member

Arriving around St. Valentine’s Day, the Naughtinano was the source of much chatter around the Vanguard office as it finally combined our two loves of popular music and “doin’ it.” See, the makers of the Naugtinano have created a sex toy that hooks up to and is powered by your iPod. Then, as if this weren’t exciting enough, the thing actually pulses in time to whatever music you’re listening to.

Want to get off to Public Enemy? Now you can! Make slow, hot love to yourself to the strains of Puccini? Why, have at it, good sir. Just be wary about putting on “Sandstorm.”

All God’s Children
by Caeser Pink and the Imperial Orgy
Reason it didn’t get coverage: Because we’re fascist pigs, too caught up in the system that’s exploiting us to even see it, man.

Along with this review copy of his latest EP, Caeser Pink included a one-sheet that cited the various reasons why college radio stations and general media outlets had refused to cover his music. The quotes focused on the generally offensive nature of Pink’s lyrics and their context strongly implied that the reason the musical works of Caeser Pink had failed to receive coverage up until this point was due to their unwavering ability to “speak truth to power” in a way that “the man” couldn’t tolerate.

Not mentioned were Pink’s cringe-inducing lyrics or under-developed Photoshop skills but, then again, maybe that’s just what “the man” wants us to think.

Glee Club
by FOX Broadcasting
Reason it didn’t get coverage: Combined revenge for the cancelations of Arrested Development, Freaks and Geeks and Firefly

Not only does Glee Club look like the lamest take on Freaks and Geeks ever conceived by man, but also the packaging of this screener is so annoying that it borders on sadistic.

When opened, the container belts out a remarkably shitty, recorded joke and then presents you with a mirror so that as you are listening to this tiny slice of hell you can look at yourself and ponder what exactly happened in your life to bring you to this point.

My Boys and 10 Items or Less
by TBS Broadcasting
Reason it didn’t get coverage: We were too distracted by gaudy retreads like The Wire to bother giving space to truly innovative television

Much like T-shirts that say “Sexy” across the chest, TBS’ slogan of “Very Funny” is more wishful thinking than cold, hard fact. However, you can’t fault them for trying, even if in the course of that trying they pump out interchangeable sitcoms like My Boys and 10 Items Or Less at a factory efficient rate.

Li’l Jack Bauer
by FOX Broadcasting/the producers of 24
Reason it didn’t get covered: Well, actually it did get covered. I mean, could you resist the pure magnetism of that steely gaze? No, no you could not.

The constitutional freedoms of the Arts and Culture desk have been unusually well protected in the past year thanks to this li’l defender of American liberties. Not only did this action figure come with the irascible good looks of Keifer Sutherland (swoon) but also a removable shoulder bag, automatic pistol (since misplaced) and not one but two separately stackable crates. If the Arts and Culture section was utter crap for about a month this winter it was because we were too busy playing with this kick-ass toy to do any actual work.

Penguin Books Summer 2009 Catalogue
by Penguin Publishing Group
Reason it didn’t get coverage: Our staff is 90 percent illiterate and those of us who can read relegate our literary intake to Chinese take-out menus and “erotica.”

Not only is the plot of this book all over the place, the only reoccurring character seems to be “ISBN” and, quite frankly, he doesn’t elicit a lot of sympathy.