Tabs, slots and beyond

I can’t count the number of times the conversations turned to it. You find your partner distracted, drifting, staring over your shoulder, wondering aloud, "Don’t you wish there was another position in sex?"

It plagues our society, undermines our culture, and is the single biggest cause of deteriorating moral values: dull sex – boring, bland, meaningless sex. Once you’ve run the tantric gambit, tired-out every coital position and experimented with nipple wax Madonna-style, it gets ugly.

Frustrated with beige penetration, people find themselves cheating, divorcing, wearing latex and stretching their man junk. Pervasive kink takes the place of once-meaningful connections. Fetishes breed like fungus in the dank cave of tedium, exhaust the usefulness of our orifices and chip away at the sanctity our homes.

What can we do?

Here’s an idea: try something new. Instead of foregoing straightforward sex for urine cocktails or swingers clubs, transcend the missionary block, find new arrangements and remember that it’s called intercourse for a reason.

Here are three new positions to get you started. Not just about placement, these are about implementation.

The Swedish Hockey Team
Imagine the clean lines of Swedish design, the pine, the tiles, the use of corrugated steel with the raw urgency of one of professional sports’ most brutal games. It’s not about where you and your partner lie, but how. The Swedish Hockey Team is about symmetry. Finding that moment where the lines of your bodies are suddenly graceful and cultivating it. This may not seem like the freshest or the most intense new position, but imagine reaching the sexual equivalent to enlightenment. You are part of a worldwide synergy, a complex series of systems and yet you are totally alone in space – boning.

The Lorelei Gilmore
Sex is awkward. I don’t care who you are, who you’re laying or how. Mormons to bears, porn stars to dominatrix, we all look like jerks. The Lorelei Gilmore is about embracing that. It’s the diametric opposite to the Swedish Hockey Team. Where once you try to achieve personal sexual grace, this is about transcending the giggles. Realize the ridiculousness of our bodies and see them for what they are – silly, lumpy, squishy ego-filled husks. Fleshy machines made just for humping. Now push, prod and contort to ridiculous heights. Think Play Doh, then think multiple orgasms. Within honest awkwardness there is beautiful porking.

The Morning After
Really good sex is about more than what sticks where and what lube you use. It’s emotional. Even meaningless, beer-infused trysts carry a certain affecting weight. Maybe it’s not about connecting with your partner, but you have to have some need that’s being filled. Right?

The Morning After is about harnessing that desperate, awkward and sometimes brilliant feeling of waking up next to someone (a stranger?) for the first time. What if that blissful panic could be manifested during relations? Can you envision trying to fuck away anxiety without the binds of rational reflection?

The sense of relief you reach after an emotional climax can only accentuate physical sensation. You get so caught up in the emotional end of things; you get literally trapped in your head. You’re left detached, defenseless and open to sensations you may have never noticed.