The Grammar Grouch: Using “like” in conversation

Sigh. I tried, Bozos. I tried to leave and keep a shred of my sanity intact after enduring the incessant garbage you expose my delicate grammatical sensibilities to. I even tried posting a goodbye letter in the hopes that you’d get the message.

It took about two days for me to realize that I should never assume the best for you buffoons.

I spend several weeks describing punctuation marks and how to use them properly, even going so far as to instruct on how to effectively symbol curse. Then, mere hours after seeing my farewell column, I was walking behind a trio of freshmen that reminded me clearly: My work is never done.

I heard them say “like,” punctuating every fourth word out of their mouths, more times in three minutes than I had in the three years beforehand. Now, because this is Portland State Clown College—where the Bozos are the mascot and an accurate description of most matriculating—I know to expect a certain level of ironic hipsterdom from students. Perhaps they were imitating the Valley Girl aesthetic that hasn’t been relevant since that damn Alicia Silverstone flick, aptly titled Clueless.

I doubt this, however, and so will turn the episode into a lesson for you Bozos. Hopefully this helps stymie the flow of verbal diarrhea frothing from your mouths every day.

“Like” is OK when you’re talking about friendly appreciation, as in you like something because of blah, blah, blah. “Like” is not a filler word to be used in the way those dolts I witnessed did…believe me, it’s better to take a moment and conjure a complete thought before smacking your gums than it is to let your lips get ahead of your logic.

So, like, did you get it, dipshit? Because if not, I’ll, like, be back next week and, you know, like, teach you something else, whether you like it or not. The Grouch is reborn out of sheer indignation at your stupidity, but I won’t give up the fight just yet! Do you, like, understand?!!?! Good!