Ninety minutes is an eternity. You can perform countless meaningful life endeavors in 90 minutes. You can busy yourself with menial household chores, stare intensely at walls or even gouge your eyeballs out with forks. All of those activities would be better than watching The Heartbreak Kid.
The Heartbreak Kid
Ninety minutes is an eternity. You can perform countless meaningful life endeavors in 90 minutes. You can busy yourself with menial household chores, stare intensely at walls or even gouge your eyeballs out with forks. All of those activities would be better than watching The Heartbreak Kid.
The Farrelly Brothers’ new cinematic project is a stinker. And if you do force yourself to suffer through this film, the knowledge of wasted time, along with the memories of Jerry Stiller shirtless in a Jacuzzi, will haunt you forever.
Just from watching the trailer, it can be expected that The Heartbreak Kid is a less-than-Oscar-worthy film. But if the trailer was bad, the actual film is some sort of cruel joke. The dialogue is so awkwardly delivered that it feels like observing a middle school rendition of Fiddler on the Roof. The story is shallow and forced, even by the standards of romantic comedies. The most compelling thing about the experience is just how little conflict there actually seems to be.
Ben Stiller plays Eddie Cantrow, the owner of a sporting goods store and a 40-something commitment-phobe. Stiller’s love interest in the movie, Lila, played by Malin Akerman, is a gorgeous bit of two-dimensional character. The two meet by chance and quickly fall head over heels.
Here comes the halfhearted conflict: Lila is asked to move to Holland by the wildlife research organization she works for, and suddenly she and Eddie are planning a shotgun wedding because, as the movie explains, married workers don’t get asked to relocate to the capital of wooden clogs. Wait a second…what? They are getting married because her job asked her to relocate to a completely inhabitable European country? That makes sense.
Skip to the honeymoon, where the mayhem really begins. The quick-to-hitch couple soon finds they are less compatible than they thought. Eddie discovers Lila likes to sing to the radio (oh no), once did cocaine and, horror of all horrors, enjoys having copious amounts of sex.
The irreconcilable differences between the two are so ridiculously benign that the film even takes a moment to verbally make fun of them. But not enough to make you forget you are watching a movie about a guy who apparently hates his new wife because she likes to fuck on her honeymoon.
Add Michelle Monaghan as Miranda, a fun-loving brunette, and BAM! You get a cliche Hollywood love triangle. Then the film trots out a long line of stereotypical characters, including the aforementioned Jerry Stiller as the womanizing dad. Both of the Stillers’ performances live up to their long history of making complete crap.
But there is good news. There are quite a few boob shots, and a scene where a somewhat hot chick pees on the younger Stiller. So if you like boobs and golden showers, and can’t afford free Internet porn, this movie might just be for you.
