The new South America

Ah, what blissful lives the citizens of Ashburn, Ga. lead. Unburdened by the harsh constraints of modern dignity, free to revel in the glorious legacy of Jim Crow, armed with silent and accepted ignorance, they follow in Jefferson Davis’ mighty footsteps and live the white supremacist ideal of racial purity.

In 1963, Dr. Martin Luther King stood before the Lincoln Memorial and shared his immortal dream of tolerance with an indebted America. We are pleased to report that Dr. King’s high aspirations have finally been met by the student body of Ashburn. It only took them 44 years.

This quaint Georgia community gave Turner County High School students their very first integrated prom on April 23. According to CNN, students of this small peanut-farming town previously attended two private, racially divided proms. This was not the school board’s doing, mind you. For decades the reactionary, fundamentalist parents of Ashburn organized the segregated soirees.

Official segregation may have died a just death in 1954, but apparently private citizens of certain southern communities were not yet willing to concede. They sang the uniting ballad of bigotry, backed up by the raucous racist rhapsody of the KKK choir. Faced with legal precedent and moral mandate, they opted instead for the long-standing Confederate tradition.

While we are pleased to see the South slithering forward toward tolerance, many of the town’s adults still hold a few reservations. By few, we mean many. “If [students are] not coming tonight, it’s because…their parents are still having an issue [with the prom] because they grew up in south Georgia,” said Turner County student Nicole Royal.

Nicole was lucky enough to attend two proms this year. Certain white families chose to sidestep the school and uphold tradition by putting together yet another all-Aryan bash.

“The black students could have gone to the prom, but didn’t,” Royal said. “I guess they feel like they’re not welcome.” We won’t go so far as to say that parents stood outside the hall with torches and pitchforks, but we’re sure the vibe was comparable.

Nor do we wish to place the blame squarely on the parents of this sleepy town. For years, there have been attempts led by a select few rational students to hold a single, integrated prom. These ill-fated efforts to bring Ashburn into the Union repeatedly failed because of a stark lack of support from the student community.

This should come as no surprise. Till now, Turner County students held separate but equal elections for homecoming queen. In this momentous year, students came together in the lofty spirit of compromise and elected a biracial matriarch. We would like to emphatically remind our readers that we do not and could not make this shit up. This actually happens and it frightens us. But surprise us, it does not. It is the South, after all.

The South, proud home of Alabama, where the state legislature came perilously close to banning all books written by gay authors, containing gay characters, espousing gay themes or even hinting at the slightest shred of tolerance. This ban would have included the timeless works of Mr. William Shakespeare. We call him the Bard of Avon, but the citizens of Mobile know him only as the bane of Alabama.

The South, the glorious South, where Confederate flags wave wickedly above state Houses and reside in the back windows of innumerable pickups, flanking well-stocked gun racks.

That most revered region of our land, where the owners of these mobile arsenals swill Bud Lite and wage war on that most dangerous of national enemies, Bambi.

Indulge us while we pose a question to our dear readers. What do these Bible-thumping, book-burning, gay-bashing, Bush-loving, chaw-sucking, NASCAR-watching, Republican-voting, wife-beating, cousin-loving, sheet-wearing, bestiality-prone philistines add to our country?

Do we honestly need the South? It is our firm belief that our nation would grow stronger and command vastly more respect without it. We know what you’re thinking. We missed our chance for a tolerant nation back in 1865. Fear not, fellow progressives. A popular movement for southern secession is gaining ground in Nashville and Tuscaloosa. From Fort Worth to Fort Sumter, the auspicious and industrious League of the South is fighting for the land of Dixie. We swear to almighty God, we are not making this up. These people exist. They sell merchandise.

Found on their website are framed Jefferson Davis memorabilia, advertisements to draft the deceased George Wallace for president in 2008, a “Free Dixie, Not Iraq” bumper sticker and a trucker hat imploring you to “Question Diversity.” While we have in the past written crazy things to get a laugh, all of this is true. We feel the need to repeat this disclaimer because even we can barely believe it.

To the secessionists, we say, “Fine, leave.” In fact, we encourage the immediate removal of all states below the Mason-Dixon line. Sorry Florida, you too. Worry not, federal funding will be provided to move elderly, Jewish retirees back to Brooklyn Heights. Miami can–and probably will–form its own independent Latin American nation. The rest of Florida will be annexed by Georgia. The families of Ashburn should be quite accommodating, so long as the Floridians aren’t black.

Imagine the benefits. Forest creatures could come out of hiding. Philip Morris and Anheiser Bush would evaporate in a drunken, smoky belch. No more Pat Robertson. No more Larry the Cable Guy. No more Fox News. The average IQ of our nation would rise 60 points at a bare minimum. The standardized test scores of our new Union would leave even the most studious Southeast Asian countries in the academic dust.

We call on our Cascadian brethren to finance the League of the South and expedite their movement. Please, Portlandites, think of the future. An America without red states. A nation of acceptance. A land without televangelists, country music or Newt Gingrinch. You can make all this possible. Forgo your mocha frappachino this week, take your savings and give to the League of the South.

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