The ol’ bump ‘n’ grind

The time is right. Conditions are almost perfect. The only thing between you and a night of sexiness is the right soundtrack. Don’t be someone who just leaves your iTunes library on shuffle so that old Linkin Park chestnut can come along and ruin the mood.

Here are some tracks to help you make the perfect sexy playlist so your evening runs as smoothly as a hybrid.

The National-–“Sea Of Love”

Just kidding. Nobody who listens to this garbage ever gets laid. Obviously, we’re going straight R&B from here on—and strictly the golden age with ’80s and ’90s tracks.

R. Kelly–“-You Remind Me of Something”

Here’s a track for the MBA types, the chemical engineers and the soon-to-be software developers—those who probably aren’t too articulate with their terms of endearment.

You know who you are.

Here in this track, R. Kelly breaks things down in terms you can understand. He uses a series of—um—unconventional similes comparing his lover to some unexpected objects including: his Jeep, his sound system and, best of all, his bank account.

Remember, if you really want to set the mood it never hurts to compare your lover’s eyes to your 401k ­investment.

Adina Howard-–“Freak Like Me”

Before there was Beyonce there was Adina Howard, a criminally underrated vocalist and artist and fierce advocate for female sexual self-empowerment.
If you’re looking for a freak and dig g-funk style production, then you can’t go wrong with this classic.

Next-–“Butta Love”

Speaking of strange metaphors. Most people know Next for their stone-cold classic “Too Close” (which could also be on this list), but personally I’m a big fan of this lesser-known classic.

If nothing else, every time I listen to it I think about my former district manager at Starbucks who told me with a grin that he liked the new line of La Boulange baked goods because they left tasty looking butter marks all over the pastry case.

Also, I’m pretty sure this is the only song in history where a man expounds on the virtues of pedicures, exalting his lover’s feet for ­having no corns.

Shalamar–“A Night to Remember”

This is just a classic ’80s jam from a much underrated trio. Honestly, though, has anyone had a real night to remember? You know, for that reason?
Most of my nights lately involve too much boxed wine and tweets I’d give anything to delete retroactively.

Eugene Wilde–“–—-Don’t Say No Tonight”

I’ve met an alarming amount of people that list Netflix binge-watching as a main interest or hobby. This Eugene Wilde classic is for you folks.
If the way he belts out “there won’t be no more TV watchin’” toward the end of the song doesn’t inspire you to do something more interesting than watching three-year-old episodes of Parks and Recreation, then I’m at a loss.