The Rant and Rage: Driving me up the wall

This year, GMAC Insurance rated Oregon at the top of their list of America’s best drivers. An auto club called AutoVantage followed suit by rating Portland drivers as the most courteous in the nation, according to their own road rage survey. Good job Oregon. And furthermore, give yourself a good old pat on the back, Portland. It turns out that over this past year, we have all been acknowledged as being pretty nifty out on the road.
Well, whoopty-friggin-do! Too bad it’s all a load of crap!

Look Oregonians, I don’t care what anybody says. You are the most inept bungling dolts on four wheels I have ever had the misfortune to witness. And I come from Washington, just over the border. We pitifully suck at driving there, so by the law of transference, it doesn’t make you look too good. Here are a few thoughts for you all to mull over.

Over the years since I moved here, the most common complaint that us transplants seem to hear out of a long list of criticisms is merging. Get a clue, Oregon. When you are entering a freeway, you yield. Not the other way around. I know we all have to drive along together and we should help each other out. But, annoyingly slowing down on the freeway while you anticipate someone merging in, or bolting off into someone else’s lane, is not the way to do it. The cars on the freeway don’t have to let you mergers in, it’s on you to get in the lane.

I know public education suffers here, but damn! Learn to read. Next time you’re behind a steering wheel, arch your head up a little, and you may notice a few large greenish signs informing you of future routes, exits and notable streets. Use them.

This way, you may avoid frantically switching lanes passing through the Vista Ridge Tunnel or screeching across three lanes of traffic on the Northbound Interstate 405, once your realize the correct exit to enter Interstate 5 is not on the right side of the freeway.

Slow traffic keeps right, not sporadically across all lanes. I know, the speed limits here are pathetically low. I am convinced that either the state is extorting money from the public through speeding tickets, or our governing officials figure you assholes will be lucky to figure out an automatic transmission, let alone tackle the challenge of driving over 50 mph.

And why is it that after even one mere day of sunshine, this whole city seems to forget we live in a rainforest? Everyone loses their minds the moment a single raindrop falls once again. Slow down, use your wipers…it will all be OK.

I get it. GMAC and AutoVantage probably wanted their name in the papers, to get some press, so they run these little surveys. The problem is they don’t come off as too credible when they praise a state with a habit of slowing down for any little thing off to the side of the road. Or when you call a city “courteous” after drivers stab each other over road rage or its citizens mow down a few bicyclists.

That’s right, Portland drivers hit bicycles! How stupid do you have to be not to look to your right? Most of the time, there is a whole other lane there for bikes, just like cars have. What do you think those mirrors are for anyway?

I have always passionately supported mass transit in our area…not only for its environmental and public benefits, but mainly to get more of you incompetent drivers off the road!