The Rant & Rage: Hear this!

Hey, guy blaring his subwoofers down the street. You’re an asshole. I know you think you’re expressing an image of cool, but all you’re really expressing is how much of a douche bag you are.

 

You come bumping and thumping, or perhaps rocking and rolling, while you pump what is inevitably crap music through a sound system that most likely takes up all the spare space in your car. I can imagine how it sounds from your perspective, but from my perspective, inside my home where my windows are shaking and my floor is pulsating, it just serves to annoy me as it competes with the viewing of one of my favorite flicks—Red Dawn—and I can’t hear Patrick Swayze take down the red army.

 

Or perhaps I am simply walking down the street, and your ride shakes the ground as you pass by. Sure, it doesn’t really ruin my day and we all have to deal with annoyances in life. But here is the thing: You come off so unbelievably douchey—and a high level of douche-baggery is just one pet peeve I can’t shake.

 

Somehow you may believe that this display of alpha-audio dominance strikes onlookers with an impression of your awesomeness. However—and forgive me if I am destroying your fantasy here—what we are all really thinking is, “Man, that guy has a tiny penis.”

 

What we really perceive is some twit jumping up and down yelling, “Look at me! Look at me! I’m compensating for my horrifying inadequacies!”

 

Much in the same manner that many have stereotyped people with obnoxiously oversized trucks as being ignorant rednecks lacking in their southern bits and pieces, you have equally branded yourself as suffering from the same physical ailment.

 

I know this may be difficult to understand, but try to follow me. Inside your ear is a system of tiny hairs that transmit the sensation of sound to the brain. When repeatedly experiencing sound at extreme levels—usually over 100 decibels—these hairs become damaged and therefore cannot pick up sound. In other words, you lose your hearing, fast, when you continually crank up the tunes. It’s similar to when you get out of a concert and you just can’t hear as well, only instead of going away, this hearing loss stays around for the rest of your life.

 

But I digress—if the imminent threat of losing your hearing doesn’t sway you from disturbing all those around you, as I assume it doesn’t, then let’s focus back on the fact that your gear-under-there is so sad that you feel the need to act out, filling the streets with overwhelming sounds blasting from your speakers.

 

And oh man, if you’re driving a huge truck and blasting tunes so loud it registers on the Richter scale, then I truly pity you.

 

So just keep in mind that the next time you feel the need to share Lil Jon’s latest poor attempt at a single with the entire city, we only hear your poor attempt at compensating for your Lil Jon. Or perhaps you prefer to enjoy your favorite classic Tool jam at volumes that could crack the Earth’s crust—but remember that the only tool we see is you.