The Rant & Rage: Screw the Rose Parade!

The dreaded time is at hand! Grab all the necessary supplies and be prepared to lock yourself inside. That wickedly wretched gala of insanity and annoyance shall soon descend upon the city of Portland. Muster all the sanity you can, for the Rose Festival is fast approaching.

 

Every year this damn festival turns Portland from a great place to live, into the biggest pain in the ass on the West coast. Is there anyone who actually lives in Portland who goes to the thing? Does anyone go for the rides, the booths or any of the other overpriced entertainment? Over the years I have lived here, all the Rose Festival has done is cause me to avoid going outside for the day.

 

That said, the festival as a whole doesn’t bother me. I have no problem with a city celebrating its identity and practicing some civic pride. However, let’s face it—the whole damn mess is just a ploy to grab some bucks off the schmucks dumb enough to attend, and who eventually will come away disappointed.

 

Sure they may be able to fix the whole shindig up a bit—make it more uniquely Portland. But one thing they can’t fix is the absolute worst aspect of the ordeal, and the most horrible day of the year in Portland—the parade.

 

It all began in 1907 when the first festival was held. Since then, Portland has put on the event religiously, though I imagine in years past it didn’t seem so much like a cheap carnival. Along with the festival is the Grande Floral Parade, a winding traffic menace through the city beginning at the Rose Quarter, traveling over a bridge, and ending somewhere on the Westside.

 

This year the geniuses organizing the parade have strung it through just about every inconvenient point they could manage. And this is the main reason why the parade is the most ridiculous pain in the ass of the whole year. If you want to have a parade, that is fine, but keep it out of the way. There are plenty of ways to have a parade without cutting a line straight through the city and disturbing the lives of everyone trying to get around town.

 

Starting on Weidler Street and heading across MLK Boulevard, the parade will then cross over the Burnside Bridge before hanging a left onto SW Fourth Avenue, continuing onto Salmon, Broadway and Stark streets, and then 10th Avenue and Taylor Street. What does this all mean? Basically the damn parade will cut off Interstate 5 access on the inner eastside at Weidler Street, stall up travel on three major streets which carry quite a bit of traffic, and interrupt the streetcar and MAX lines. So forget about getting anywhere you need to go or enjoying the city that day. Everything will be shut down for one measly parade.

 

And for what? Honestly, we get all worked up, create all this hype, but not to celebrate Portland really. All we do is tear up the waterfront, turning it into a little piece of Gresham for a few days. And not the newer nicely cleaned up Gresham—I’m referring to the trashy Walmart-loving, meth-freak part.

 

Why not have Portland attractions, with Portland music, Portland food, Portland art…you get the idea. There are plenty of reasons people love Portland, yet I can’t seem to locate anything about the festival that exemplifies one of them. And if you must have a parade, why the hell not have it somewhere that doesn’t destroy traffic. Seriously, we are supposed to have such an amazing transit system, and yet when trying to celebrate all things great about the city—such as, say, a great transit system—we completely ruin it!

 

If you live anywhere in central Portland, don’t bother going outside on Saturday, June 12. Just do what I do—lock the door, wear the loose pants for the day, and wait it out.