The Street Savage

The following news stories are FAKE! Not real. Fake. Though in the course of the interviews I say I found these stories on the “AP website,” I meant the “Ass Pony website,” which doesn’t actually exist. I did not mean The Associated Press website.

Anonymous Girly Girls

There was this story I came upon today…it’s been leaked that in order to discourage homosexuality among its soldiers, the Army is hiring eunuchs to work as prostitutes in the Green Zone. What do you think about that?Anonymous 1: I thought these were going to be light questions. You don’t think that’s a light funny…?A1: I think that’s so disturbing!

Why is it disturbing? A1: Because!

Because why? A1: Because that’s the government, they shouldn’t be doing things like that!

Yeah…I mean…do you think they should just encourage homosexuality instead? A1: I don’t think they should have any say in it one way or another. I don’t think they should encourage it or discourage it one way or another. If that’s how they act in the military, that doesn’t affect their job.

I guess they did a psychological study and it came out that because they have so much sexual tension…they’re finding that all that sexual frustration is resulting in more war crimes being committed. They think this is a cheap easy way to go about preventing such things. Anonymous 2: They can always masturbate. I don’t think that’s legit at all!

They even have like booths that they can go…A2: No, that is so weird! That’s not how things should work, no!

Why is that? Why do you think? I mean, it’s just, ya know? It’s like going to the bathroom or something, don’t you think? A1: No, it’s not!A2: Masturbating, I don’t care, go beat it off in the bathroom, I don’t care. But hiring prostitutes?

Eunuchs, no less. A2: Isn’t that illegal?

Um…I…don’t know. A1: It should be!

I’m not real sure, I’m not real clear on that…I guess it’s OK because if the U.S. government is doing it, then I guess it’s OK. A2: I think that’s good for today.

Why? A2: Because we’re having a conversation!

Well, we’re having a conversation. I mean, that’s what we’re doing. A1: We were having a regular conversation.A2: I was enjoying our conversation a little bit more than this one.

Why was that conversation more interesting? A1: Please don’t ask why, just let us have our conversation.

I’m sorry, that’s my job, I have to ask why. Why was that more important? I mean, this is your government! A2: I don’t even think I believe you.

No, this is totally true! You can go on the internet right now and if you type in…A1: Well, if it’s on the internet!

No, if you go on the AP website, you can look it up, like “eunuchs” or…A1: It’s not that our conversation is more important than that, it’s that it’s more…A2: Relevant!

You don’t think this is relevant! A1: I really would like you to let us continue this conversation we were having, it’s not that I don’t care.

What was the conversation about? A1: None of your business!

I’m sorry, I’m a journalist, I have to ask these questions. A2: OK, well…

Anonymous Vegan Girl and Some Other Guy

I read that in Myanmar there was a dog riot in this small town, dogs broke out and they attacked people and apparently they raped two men and an old woman. I was just wondering what your opinion was. Some Other Guy: What the hell!Vegan Girl: That sounds like bullshit to me!

No, it’s not! VG: It’s not rape, there’s no intention behind it!

You don’t think so? VG: Animals are innocent, they’re purely instinctual.

Well, don’t you think humans are purely instinctual? VG: No, humans pride themselves on their ability to think higher than animals, that’s why we frikkin’ kill animals and do those things, because we think they’re above them.

Do you think that the people deserved it? Because it was a dog slaughter house that they broke out of. VG: Oh yeah!

Would you like it if you were raped by a cow? VG: I don’t eat cows, I’m a vegan.

Oh, so you don’t have anything to worry about. Me, on the other hand…VG: [laughs] Right, I think people deserve it. Especially since they buy the cow in a package and they don’t slaughter it themselves…so there!

What do you think? SOG: I don’t care, sounds like bullshit, dogs raping…sounds like something somebody made up.

No, it’s on the AP website, like if you look it up…SOG: So if I type in “Dogs Rioting and Raping Men” I’ll get something?

You’ll get something. SOG: I guess it’s their problem, I don’t care…they deserve it.

The thing was that they had to bring the military in and like shoot all the dogs. VG: Nah anh! Are you serious?

That’s going to result in lots of unemployment in the region. Don’t you feel bad for people that are not going to have a job? VG: Hmm, to an extent. I mean, it just sucks that their means is really shitty, I mean, really bad, cruel. There’s two sides, I could go either way but I’m definitely going more for the dogs.

Apparently they were a bunch of vicious Weimaraner. VG: Oh well, in that case [makes some hand motion]…

What was that? VG: That was my little [makes it again]…

You’re going to have to describe that in words. VG: That’s my “that’s garbage” hand motion.

Anonymous French Girl and Friend

Apparently there was a news story, the pope flatulated and now there’s a petition going around on the internet, and Catholics around the world are calling for his resignation. French Girl: Because he flatterated!

Yeah, because he flatulated. Comment dit-on “flatulated” en francais? [How does one say “flatulated” in French?] P퀌�t퀌�.

Moi, je sais, mais est-ce qu’il y a un autre mot? [As for myself, I know, but is there another word?] Flattuer…

C’est le m퀌�me chose, non? [It’s the same thing, no?] I think it’s like too much, too strong to say that.

You don’t think he should resign? I mean these are old people, old people are usually at that age…

Old people fart, right? Even young people, too, right? That’s a real news story?

That’s a real news story, you can actually find the petition, it’s in English. Well, actually, no, it’s in a couple different languages, the one I saw was in English…You can see the video on like YouTube or something like that? I don’t want to see that.

I’d actually be interested to see the pope fart. Do you think that people should get over their Catholic guilt and even acknowledge that even the pope has a digestive system? Yeah, I think they have to acknowledge, even my parents, they flatulate pretty bad too.

But your parents aren’t the pope. But the pope is a real person, you know? They’re humans, and that’s natural. I don’t know how old he is, like 78?

Give him a chance. Just one more!

There’s actually like a counter-group that’s saying that’s like a sign from God! I don’t know what he said the minute of the speech, so maybe. No, I will be nice, just one more chance.

One more chance and no more farting at mass. [laughs]