Tips from a battle-tested source

I have found housing twice via the Internet’s holy grail of classifieds, and I will admit the process can yield some pretty inconsistent results. That is, until you can master the beast that is Craigslist.

Later, I will offer some tips on landing the perfect place on Craigslist. But, first, I would like to share a few stories from my house shopping experience on Craigslist.

The first of my glorious findings on Craigslist, an apartment on the Portland State campus (not run by University Housing), was a rickety old three-story house sandwiched between two much larger buildings. My bedroom window featured a scenic view of a concrete wall, and the place was so poorly insulated that I had to buy a space heater to keep my living room and kitchen warm.

Over the course of the eight or so months I lived there, someone managed to steal our Xbox and my roommate’s scooter, and a homeless gentleman decided to move onto our front porch where I had set a large mustard-yellow chair.

The man made quite a mess, leaving trash all over the porch, including innumerable cigarette butts and a half-eaten rotisserie chicken. I even removed the chair while he was off somewhere. It was no easy task, it was a large chair, and had gotten considerably heavier due to being saturated with some terrible smelling liquid.

Unfortunately, the lack of a chair did little to deter the man who, I eventually informed, was no longer welcome to sleep or piss on my front porch.

The place I live in now I also found on Craigslist. A little two-bedroom apartment a few blocks from the North Mississippi neighborhood, and located right next to a city park, it’s practically heaven compared to my old place.

This godsend proves that Craigslist isn’t all meat-locker apartments vulnerable to thieves and squatters, and as a man who has had his share of experiences, I would like to impart a bit of Craigslist wisdom.

First, here are a few pointers about utilizing the Craigslist search engine, which will, if utilized, garner a higher number of results.

In the drop down menu where you specify what section within housing you would like to search (i.e., all housing, apartments wanted, vacation rentals), I recommend leaving the default of “all housing.”

In the “search for” field, enter a combination of keywords that describe the sort of living situation you desire. For example, if you seek housing in the Hawthorne neighborhood with other PSU students, enter these words: Hawthorne, PSU and student. I also recommend playing with the phrasing of your keywords if you’re having trouble.

Now come the postings. As you read through posting after posting, you will come to an important revelation: Most posters are insanely picky.

This is because apparently a majority of Portlanders are whiny kids who can’t get along with anyone except bisexual mid-twenties females who practice Hatha yoga, don’t watch TV, are “spiritual but not religious,” only eat uncooked vegan soy products and will vote for Nader.

What these people may not realize is that these super-specific qualities they seek in roommates or renters may violate federal housing laws, which mandate that one be not discriminated against by the usual myriad of distinctions that make up the melting pot that is our country.

As long as people aren’t discriminating based on race (if they are, you flag that shit as inappropriate), it’s best to just ignore the ones that insist that you be female or gay or Christian, because people are just trying to find others who they get along with and if that’s not you, then that’s not you.

Next up is e-mailing potential roommates and/or landlords. E-mail everyone. Seriously. Anywhere that sounds remotely interesting or a place you might, maybe, slightly want to live because out of the 30 e-mails you fire off, you can expect 10 times less replies.

If you are lucky enough to actually get a response, you’ll probably end up with the person’s number, in which case it’s time to arrange an awkward meet-and-greet.

Seeing as the postings on Craigslist are frequently informal, I recommend meeting the person at a coffee shop or place of interest close to the potential housing so that if the individual gives you the creeps, you can leave quickly, muttering an excuse about needing to tend to your incontinent, aged, flea-ridden poodle.

Assuming you don’t get the Dahmer-vibe, check out the pad. You’ll often get some pressure from the landlord or potential roommate, as they swear that there is someone else who is interested as well and they are seriously considering the place.

Don’t let this rush your decision or you’ll end up like I did, gazing out your window at a cement wall, worrying that the homeless man sleeping on your front porch will freeze to death in the harsh winter weather.

A final piece of advice, always examine the surrounding area and neighborhood. Trust me, you don’t want to end up like a buddy of mine who made arrangements to live in D.C., unknowingly agreeing to live in Anacostia, one of the most dangerous neighborhoods in America.

If you can’t check the place out in person, cross-reference the streets with Google Maps, where you can use everything from satellite view to street view where you can virtually tour the neighborhood thanks to the work of one of Google’s spy-like employees.

If you follow these tips to a T, you might just survive the potentially dangerous crapshoot and up-hill battle that is finding a place on Craigslist.

>Finding a place on Craigslist

-Use the default “all housing” for the search engine-Manipulate the phrasing of keywords to maximize search results -Brace yourself because Portlanders are very, very picky people-E-mail absolutely every landlord or roommate of interest-Head to a local coffee shop or another place close to the unit in question for a meeting to ensure you are comfortable first -If the person is creepy, always use a premeditated excuse of your choice -Do not let anyone rush your decision, or you will be super sorry -Use Google Maps to examine the area to which you plan to move