To hell with pizza

    I like food because it tastes good. There are many foods that are delicious. People like to talk about food, I like to talk about food, who doesn’t like talking about food? Assholes, that’s who! Eat this!






Anonymous 1


What’s your favorite food?

Do I have to have a food?


Well yeah, that’s your favorite? Favorite food.



Do you like pizza?

I like pizza but it’s not my favorite.


Why is pizza not a favorite? How can pizza not be your favorite?

If you ask questions like that your article is going to have a very one-sided argument.



[laughs] My favorite food would honestly have to be Velveeta Shells n’ Cheese. It’s quick to make, it’s good and you can put it with-


Fake cheese or real cheese?

I think Velveeta cheese has real cheese.


Is it powdered real cheese?

No, it’s liquid, real cheese. It comes in a packet.


It could be like – chemicals.

There’s a lot of chemicals. I imagine that even cheese that comes in its cheese state probably has chemicals.


What kind of chemicals?

I don’t make cheese.


Why don’t you make cheese?

[laughs] I don’t make cheese because I never aspired to work on a farm.


Why? You can do anything in this country, and you don’t aspire to make cheese?

Exactly, that’s my point, I can do anything in this country, so why would I aspire to live on a farm and make cheese?


You tell me.

‘Cause it looks like a boring job.


But cows are nice people.

I think that they’re abhorrent people – I think they’re selfish, fat and sloth-like, and you know if they really cared about the environment, they’d be inventing new ways to put a cap on their asses.


Or dying. Or even their rotting innards would –

Yeah, cause some level of funk.


Yeah, and it would stink everywhere, so –

So fuck ’em!


Well, I don’t want to fuck ’em!

I don’t want to fuck ’em either.


Anonymous 2


What’s your favorite food?

I would say, like –



No, I would not say pizza. Pizza’s good, man, I’ll give it that, but I’d say rigatoni with alfredo sauce is much better.


What does rigatoni mean?

It’s like a shape, it’s actually like a cylinder.


Cylinder, spaghetti is a cylinder.

Uhm, yeah but this is hollow.


That sounds delicious. My mouth is watering. Would you eat it in an outhouse?



Even if it was the best rigatoni in the world?

I’ve been in some pretty gnarly outhouses. I’d have to say no.


Even if somebody paid you – and you had to, like, stare down and face the gnarl, you wouldn’t do it?



Not even for a million dollars?

That’s a lot of money. You gotta eat lookin’ at some shit?


You would puke.

But a million bucks is a lot of money. I mean I could quit this school bullshit!


Yeah, you could quit this school bullshit – would you eat bullshit?



Anonymous 3


Do you like food?



What kind of food?

I like Indian food a lot. I just got into Thai food. I work in a Persian restaurant up the street. It’s badass.


Do they have a plate called badass?



Maybe it means something different in Persian, like if you said BAADAss, BAADass. It actually meant something like –



Yeah, it’s Persian for curry – did you know that?

I didn’t know that, I think we just made that up.


But what if we didn’t?

I’ll ask my friend who speaks Persian.


Do you think that guy would know?

No, I don’t think that guy would know.


He looks like a pretty knowledgeable fellow.

He probably is. He has a guitar.


If you know how to play guitar, you probably know everything.

As well as the Persian word for curry.


Yeah, which is Badass.



Anonymous 4


Do you like hamburgers?

Yes, I do like hamburgers, specifically Burger King hamburgers.


Is burger really king?

I think not – well, not a just king.


Well, is dairy queen?

Yes, because they have delectable ice creams.


But people might think that they are homosexual.

Why would they think they were homosexual?


Well, do you know what a “queen” is?

Oh, you mean like a drag queen?


Well, yeah – there might be some homophobic people and they might be afraid of Dairy Queen. Do you think the OCA is going to go after Dairy Queen?



Would you eat a pigeon burger?

I absolutely would. I tried to eat one at a Chinese restaurant.


Really? They have pigeon at Chinese restaurants?

Yeah, but you have to order ahead of time.


You have to call ahead of time and have someone go and hunt one or something?

I guess. I don’t know where they get ’em.



I don’t know.


Do you think there’s a place in town that serves dog?

Uhm – not under the title of dog-meat, but probably.


So if you went to a Chinese restaurant and you wanted dog, you would have to look for probably?

Uh – I think you wouldn’t find it and you’d have to just guess at random. Dog would be just a euphemism for something else.


So you might order pork and it might actually be dog.

Uh – I didn’t say that. I guess in theory anything could be dog-meat.


Wow – all those times I ate those little fried dumplings with pork, that could be dog!

Was it delicious?



That’s all that matters.