Today’s Birthday (Nov. 18)
Okay, so it’s your birthday, but for the love of god, and for your neighbors’ sake, turn down the Andrew W.K., that’s so 2001.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
You are so in love with Amy Sly that you don’t even realize it.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
I see you, baby, shakin’ dat ass.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
I just remember falling asleep on a futon, and somehow I woke up with a naked Swede, whose stamps had been mishandled.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
That’s the last time you talk shit about J.C.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
That will be the last time you confuse a conference room with your hand in a pocket.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Did you see the new Matrix movie yet? Yeah, that’s what I thought.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Try to stop giggling uncontrollably whenever you hear the word “candelabra.”
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
No matter what you say, a can of black spraypaint and a garbage bag won’t make you the Hamburglar. But it will make your little brother easier to deal with.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You don’t get mail for a reason. Now slap that ass like Rummy does it.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Peeing yourself at social functions does not entitle you to your grandmother’s Social Security benefits.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Just because someone’s a narcoleptic doesn’t give you the right to steal their Paxil, you sonuvabitch.
– Your Psychic Friend at the Vanguard