Today’s Horoscope

Today’s Birthday (Nov. 18)

Okay, so it’s your birthday, but for the love of god, and for your neighbors’ sake, turn down the Andrew W.K., that’s so 2001.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

You are so in love with Amy Sly that you don’t even realize it.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

I see you, baby, shakin’ dat ass.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

I just remember falling asleep on a futon, and somehow I woke up with a naked Swede, whose stamps had been mishandled.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

That’s the last time you talk shit about J.C.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

That will be the last time you confuse a conference room with your hand in a pocket.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Did you see the new Matrix movie yet? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)


Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Try to stop giggling uncontrollably whenever you hear the word “candelabra.”

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

No matter what you say, a can of black spraypaint and a garbage bag won’t make you the Hamburglar. But it will make your little brother easier to deal with.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

You don’t get mail for a reason. Now slap that ass like Rummy does it.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Peeing yourself at social functions does not entitle you to your grandmother’s Social Security benefits.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Just because someone’s a narcoleptic doesn’t give you the right to steal their Paxil, you sonuvabitch.

– Your Psychic Friend at the Vanguard