Top and bottom of PSU


It’s easy
Sure, you have to bust your ass for the last week and a half of thequarter, but besides those last ten days, you can get drunk for agood part of each week and maintain a 3.5 GPA or BAC (blood alcoholcontent).

Your friends go here
You didn’t meet them here. You met them at a bar, through work, oron the bus or something. And then one day, they just waltz intoyour classroom and you say to them, “I didn’t know you wenthere.”

Or the complete opposite happens. You see a person at school butnever talk to them until you make friends at a bar, through work,or on the bus or something. Now school’s not so bad; you havesomeone to smoke with.

The best Subway in town is in Smith Union
The bread’s always fresh, the music always poppy, the workersalways fast and the prices are dumbed down to a student’s livingwage. Foot long cold cut on white: $4.50. Also, it may be the mostyellow place since kindergarten.

The average age for seniors is 28
That means you don’t have to graduate any time soon. I don’t knowanyone who entered PSU at age18 and graduated by 22. Has it beendone? Can it be done? Not at 8 credits a quarter.

Good professors and students just end up here
Portland is the best mid-sized city in the United States. FuckAustin, they housed Dubya. Tons of forward-thinking people movehere to flee the high rent or low tolerance of the rest of thenation. PSU happens to be conveniently located downtown, soeventually these people end up teaching or attending classhere.


The overzealous returning student
Oh man, these are the worst. I’m all for the forty-something guybringing an experienced opinion to the discussion. That’s fine andgreat. But some people forget who’s teaching the class, or thatsome people really don’t give a shit where you were duringWatergate or if you met Ken Kesey’s pet camel on acid.

You can’t buy a Coca-Cola anywhere
This is inexcusable. Pepsi, the choice of a poo generation. I wantCoke, damn it!

University Studies
I want my money back, plain and simple. This hair-brained programis a thinly-veiled attempt to make it more difficult to transferyour credits in and out of PSU. The mentor is always better thanthe professor and the curriculum reeks of progressive high schoolcourses. I’ve gotten nothing from UNST.

The preachers
The preachers are actually kind of funny. What’s not is thebrain-flexing, boring, heard-it-all-before liberal loud mouths thathold public court with God’s soldiers when I’m trying to read mynewspaper on a sunny afternoon. If you really want to fuck withthese people, bring your ghetto blaster and blare “Highway to Hell”right next to them. That way everyone’s happy and the preacher’smessage is finally being heard.

The signature gatherers
To all the signature gatherers: you’re making me not want to voteever again. “Are you a registered voter?” God, I wish I weren’t.Can you somehow unregister to vote? Now I’d sign up for that. Quitwatering down democracy, vultures. Instead of rocking the vote,you’re cock-blocking it.