Mystic J. Permanent resident of Room 1313, Hollywood Tower Hotel
Scorpio
Oct. 23–Nov. 21
Your popularity is like a Spice Girls song, Scorpio. A lot of fluff but not long lasting. Cultivate some interesting things in your portfolio and you can change all that.
Sagittarius
Nov. 22-Dec. 21
Take a page out of Eminem’s book, Sagittarius. You have a lot of pent-up things you need to say. It’ll make you feel better to write them out in poems. You don’t even have to perform them, I promise.
Capricorn
Dec. 22–Jan. 19
“My Heart Will Go On” is about as old as that trapper keeper you’ve been lugging around. It’s time for an upgrade. Spend some of your cash, Capricorn. It’s not the end of the world.
Aquarius
Jan. 20–Feb. 18
This week, your personal jam is Fiona Apple’s “Criminal.” This is what happens when you don’t express your feelings often enough.
Pisces
Feb. 19–Mar. 20
This week, your personal jam is “Say My Name” by Destiny’s Child. But it’s not what you think! You just need to repaint your walls to match your furniture like in the music video.
Aries
Mar. 21–Apr. 19
Necessity is the mother of invention, Aries. People laughed when Hootie dropped the Blowfish and started playing country, but he got the last laugh and so can you.
Taurus
Apr. 20–May 20
You know you want to be “Livin’ La Vida Loca” this week, but you don’t have the stamina for it. Maybe try a cardio kickboxing class once in a while, Taurus. It’s both sweaty and liberating. You’ll love it.
Gemini
May 21–Jun. 20
Everyone’s happy that you’re dating someone, Gemini. But if we have to hear you hum “You’re Still the One” in the shower one more time, we’re gonna donate all of your clothes to charity.
Cancer
Jun. 21–Jul. 22
I know you want to let your hair down, Cancer. But Sugar Ray’s “Fly” isn’t on the radio anymore and you never looked cute with frosted tips.
Leo
Jul. 23–Aug. 22
Your personal jam this week is En Vogue’s “Never Gonna Get It”. You’re fierce like Beyonce and no one is good enough for you. Act accordingly.
Virgo
Aug. 23–Sept. 22
Having trouble sleeping Virgo? It’s not insomnia, you’re just going through your Matchbox 20 phase. It’s okay, though, your real friends will still like you afterwards.
Libra
Sept. 23–Oct. 22
Religion’s not really your thing, is it Libra? That’s why it’s hard for you to admit how much you like Joan Osborne’s “One of Us.” It’s okay, though. I promise. We all have questions.
