Winter’s here!

My half-raised, saliva-soaked thumb says it’ll snow this year, and my bad knee has been twitching. It’s been frigid something fierce since late August so we’re due a messy winter. OK, here’s what we’ll do:

10. Laurelhurst Park – What Laurelhurst lacks in length, the park makes up for in pure gnar- gnar. The western entrance near Southeast 33rd Street has the fastest cliff drop sidewalk hucker thingy outside of Timberline. This kicker is fun in mid July on a ten-speed. Imagine it with six inches of solid ice on the ground.

9. Your car – Sledding is great, but tree enemas and finger-sicles can ruin an afternoon. Stay in your vehicle. It’s warm and every road is a double black diamond. But never forget the fate of Metallica’s late Cliff Burton and watch out for the black ice.

8. Washington Park – Fuckin’ zoobomb, woo hoo, yeah! Anyway, the whole place is a hill. It’s probably not a good area to go car sledding because you might hit a mansion.

7. Off your roof – Don’t forget to build the landing pile. Also watch out for the gutters. This is the sledding equivalent to the back country snowboard cliff jumping you see on ESPN 2, except if you get cold you can just go in your house.

6. Bumper riding – As seen in the parking lot of a Green Bay Packers game. It’s like water skiing in your neighborhood. Bumper riding is a great way to lose teeth or get your arms ripped off, but with good stamina and upper body strength you could use this as a viable mode of transportation in the winter.

5. Summit & Ski Bunny’s Tubing Hills – You can rent a tube and an all day pass for $10. I’ve never been, nor have I driven an hour to sled for a fee, but they have the one thing Portland can’t guarantee: snow. Plus it’s a mountain. Summit’s located at the east end of Government Camp.

4. In your bed – It’s slippery in there, right? But it sure ain’t cold, not one bit. Two person luge.

3. Multnomah Falls – Okay, maybe not. But have you seen it when it’s frozen? Oh, so pretty.

2. Mount Tabor – You’ll have a fantastic view of the city as you flip beanie over boots down toward the frozen reservoirs. Tabor is a dead volcano perfectly eroded for sledding, and the bathrooms look like Smurf huts. During last year’s big storm we took old skateboard decks up there for some white trash ski boarding misadventures. It was, like, killer.

1. Doug Fir Bathrooms – I’ve never seen more freshy pow-pow than in the fully mirrored bathrooms of the new Doug Fir Lounge. Word is they import it from the mountains of South America and blow it all over the place.