A homebody’s night in: A how-to

1. Start on your shitty extra-long twin mattress that you’ve cozied up with grandma’s lovingly made quilts and crochet afghans. Settle down for a binge marathon of The X-Files while you knit a new sweater for your cat. Keep the lights on.

2. Transition to yoga in the corner. Get your heart pumping to classics by Riff Raff and Lil’ Debbie, like “Rice Out” and “Bake a Cake.” Hell, throw in a $2 bottle of pink moscato from Target. You deserve this luxury. Chug the whole bottle and lie on the floor. Contemplate the popcorn ceiling.

3. Speaking of popcorn…that sounds pretty good. Pop some in the microwave but get distracted by cat pictures in your Tumblr feed (Gosh, aren’t they cute?). You don’t notice the popcorn is burning until the smoke detector goes off.

4. Hide in the closest so you don’t have to face the shame of your neighbors—or your whole building when it starts to evacuate. It’s too cold to go outside, anyway. Take Grandma’s quilt with you and a cup of tea to ease your throbbing head.

5. Listen at the door while your neighbors discuss your inability to microwave anything ever. Earn the nickname Burnie. Try to forget about the time you nuked a brownie on accident and your whole dorm floor saw.

6. Take your mind off your new nickname by designing your next tattoo—a tasteful cameo tribute to your cat. And while you’re feeling crafty, notice your walls are looking a little drab. Get out your acrylics and go to work making some bold statement pieces.

Accidentally chug paint water when blindly reaching for your drink. Spew it all over your abstract masterpiece when you realize what you’ve done.

7. Facebook all your friends an impromptu craft party invite. Unfortunately, they’re all out doing normal things. Like drinking. In bars. And being social.

No one responds to your invite within the hour (or over the course of the night).

8. Whatever, you don’t need friends! Pump up the volume on the new T-Swift album and sing along—maybe a little too loudly once the people downstairs start pounding on the ceiling for you to shut up.

Well, two can play at that game, can’t they? Retaliate by donning a pair of heels and stomping to the beat. Don’t stop until the RA knocks on your door and reprimands you for being obnoxious. Tell her it’s not quiet hours and you can do what you want. She calls you Burnie to your face, and you decide some battles just aren’t meant to be won. Retreat back into your room. Turn off T-Swift.

9. Try to catch up on Downton Abbey, but you’re too distraught about becoming Burnie to concentrate on much. Add to that the fact that poor Edith never gets a break, and now you’re sobbing, and why can’t everyone just be nice to Edith for once, huh? Why?

10. Collapse on your bed at 11:30, completely and utterly exhausted. You’re getting too old for nights like this. Vow to never have a wild night in again.