Worst-case scenario

Game one of the Spurs-Jazz series was excessively yawn-inducing. And I have a feeling that the yawns will keep coming, because this uninspiring match-up is the worst-case scenario for an NBA playoffs described as exhilarating and rousing after the first two rounds.

I will be the first to admit this year’s version of the playoffs has me absolutely enthralled. And, why not, the first two rounds have been chocked full of every facet a true basketball enthusiast loves. Competitiveness has been top-notch and there has been more drama than a fiery episode of Jerry Springer. This mishmash of dramatic appeal and sensational play has propelled the NBA’s postseason back to a must-see level.

But, the Western Conference Finals are jeopardizing the strides made thus far. The two squads alive in the powerful West are the conference’s dullest in every way. From the head coaches to the cities these teams call home, absolute boredom is the common denominator.

Take “superstar” Tim Duncan, his trademark move is a fall-away bank shot. Now, this doesn’t exactly match the flare of Michael Jordan’s signature tongue-wagging slam or a tantalizing Kobe Bryant reverse dunk.

Like his boring banker, the rest of Duncan’s game is amazingly boring. He is a talented post player, but his movements are sluggish and he rarely flushes the ball for a crowd-pleasing dunk. To top it off, the Spurs’ big man has a mundane personality, displaying as much emotion as an Amish in a buggy.

Excitement in the NBA is measured with two separate yardsticks–a flashy game or snappy personality. This is how the likes of Ervin “Magic” Johnson and Dennis “The Worm” Rodman are both largely considered stars. Duncan has neither.

Duncan is supposed to be the biggest star in this series, though his stardom only reaches as far as the box score. Plus, Duncan’s supporting cast is relatively star-free, and Utah’s most prominent celebrity is not Carlos Boozer or Deron Williams–it’s still the elbow-throwing Karl Malone. ESPN analyst Michael Wilbon said it best when he declared Tony Parker’s gorgeous fianc퀌� Eva Longoria as the most noteworthy star in this series. Like usual, Wilbon is right on target.

Aside from the lack of star players, the Spurs-Jazz match-up showcases some of the blandest basketball known to man. Think about what Utah’s head coach Jerry Sloan does for a good time, and that should give you a good indication of how Plain Jane these two teams play. Basketball purists may appreciate this fundamental play predicated on solid defense and an emphasis on half-court offense, but younger fans desire an up-tempo, chaotic style of the Suns and Warriors.

I’m sick of hearing how the Spurs’ championship status compensates for their boring play. Seriously, that is about as lame as Duncan’s tendency to bulge his eyes when a call isn’t to his liking. As fans, we couldn’t care less whether a player has a ring. We purchase tickets and tune in to be entertained.

During the regular season, the Spurs were 20th in road attendance, behind the likes of Charlotte and Orlando. Why does a team with three championships in the last decade have trouble drawing fans? Simple: San Antonio is not exciting, entertaining or compelling; it’s just boring. This proves fans don’t place much stock in rings and titles. We prefer excitement, athleticism and un-boring basketball!

The NBA playoffs took a turn for the worse as the Warriors and Suns were eliminated last week. Steve Nash’s beautiful passes and Baron Davis’ tough, uncouth posse were raising eyebrows and carrying these playoffs, making them the best in over a decade. But, with the two most electrifying teams now fishing, we are now left with a couple “fundamentally sound” squads as fun to watch as attending an antique lamp show.

Tune into this series at your own risk. Just remember, bouts of drowsiness and inadvertent sleeping are not uncommon.