WTF? Insane fan fiction

Did you know Harry Potter is actually in a loving relationship with Lord Voldemort? That Kiefer Sutherland takes in young teenage runaways and doesn’t have sex with them? That those weird-looking guys from MythBusters have steamy sex with each other while discussing robots?

No? Well then you haven’t read any Internet fan fiction lately. It’s a world where nasty sex pops up as often as grammar errors and beloved characters from shows like The Simpsons kill each other, sleep with each other and babble like maniacs.

It’s all very dirty and you’d DO best to stay away from it, but if you are like us at the Vanguard and you love to feel uncomfortable, here is a quick glimpse into the mad, mad world of Internet fan fiction.

Harry Potter fan fictionStory: Lost MarkAuthor: KuraiWebsite: www.hp.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=600010331

Sample: “I killed them because I believed they had killed my mate. Pettigrew told me that James had removed a creature’s mate from existence. I did not know he meant through that illegal ritual, because James had destroyed a creatures mate he became the top of my; to kill list.”

If you search for “fan fiction” on Google, the fourth and fifth website hits are for Harry Potter fan fiction. Apparently, it’s popular with Harry Potter fans, if by “Harry Potter” you mean “stupid” and by “fans” you mean “drooling fucktards.” There are thousands of stories online detailing the sex lives of the numerous characters in graphic detail, and all of them will make you very, very uncomfortable.

Lost Mark by Kurai tones down the usual graphic sex of Harry Potter fan fiction and tells an awkward (and possibly illegal) tale of the forbidden love of teenage Harry Potter and the evil Lord Voldemort. The story is written in such stunted prose that it seems the author is either 11 or insane, and it is filled with references that would fly above the head of any regular (read: non-geek) person.

Kiefer Sutherland fan fictionStory: UntitledAuthor: MelodyWebsite: www.angelfire.com/sk/rddc/kiefer.html

Sample: “Well you have been the only person that didn’t scream ven she avoke in Kiefer Sutherlands house.”

The brilliantly titled Untitled tells the story of Michelle, a diehard teenage Kiefer Sutherland superfan (say what?) who runs away from her abusive home into the mansion of her idol. The most unbelievable part of this story isn’t that Kiefer Sutherland is shacking up with a teenager–which kind of makes sense–it’s that he doesn’t try and have sex with her.

The innocuous story is filled with scenes of Michelle and Kiefer eating, talking about their feelings, eating again and then once more talking about their feelings. The only exciting portion is the ending, which reads, “This story never finished due to lack of inspiration.” It’s very Godard-like.

The Simpsons fan fictionStory: Bart Psychopathic SimpsonAuthor: Jason Y. InsaneWebsite: www.fanfiction.net/s/2582389/2/Bart_Psychopathic_Simpson

Sample: “After seeing all the blood in the room and Lisa’s naked, raped and battered body he said “Wow. I Karumba.”

All you really need to know about this story is that the author recommends listening to “The Beautiful People” by Marilyn Manson while reading it. Like other fan fiction, the story is peppered with obscure references to the source material, but in this story’s case, the references are straight out of the early ’90s and amazingly inaccurate (It’s “Aye Carumba,” not “I Karumba,” and has Bart even said that line since 1992?)

The author lives out his mass-murder fantasies (if you know the author, you might want to switch schools…soon) by letting Bart kill everyone in his family in very horrific ways. See Bart kill Marge with a nail gun! See Bart kill Lisa with a hammer!

If Jason Y. Insane isn’t already in a teenage rehabilitation facility writing stories with his own shit, he will be soon.

MythBusters fan fictionStory: Saw Blade – Part 11Author: nextboldmoveWebsite: http://community.livejournal.com/mythbusterslash/

Sample: “Jamie used his saliva as impromptu libricant and slowly pushed himself inside of Adam, who yelped with glee. He held himself inside of Adam for a few minutes, reaching around to masturbate him before he started to thrust.”

I don’t know about you, but when I think of the Discovery Channel, all I can picture is hot gay sex. Apparently the grinding of gears and turning of screws got the author of this story so worked up that they had to let it all out in this filthy (and educational) porn story about MythBusters. Yes, the author wrote an erotic story about the fat redhead Adam Savage and the beret-wearing, walrus-like Jamie Hyneman, both hosts of the popular show.

To spare you the details, things get nasty fast as the ambiguously gay hosts drop their act and give into sweaty, nasty temptation, interspersed with awkward dialogue about rocket cars and Battlebots. If you like your science lessons mixed with ejaculating penises (and who doesn’t) you will love this story.