Your movie forecast

Competence Rating (9.5): As some of you may have noticed, I have psychic powers. Powers that are so magnificent, so utterly wonderful and mysterious, so-how do you say?-ah yes, AMAZING that sometimes I wonder how I remain so humbled and down to earth while still possessing an otherworldly intellect that puts all of the tabloid psychics from The National Enquirer and The Sun to a horrible shame.

I am the movie psychic. That’s right: the goddamned movie psychic and my predictions are that accurate! So if I tell you that that you can bet on Bruce Willis’ bald-ass head ends up flying away from an exploding building on the Concord while Andie McDowell sips cognac and nibbles on caviar while trying to actually pronounce “foie gras” correctly through her dim, yet unassuming Southern drawl; that would be the ending of “Hudson Hawk 2: Hawk’s Revenge”, if such a monstrosity of a film existed, because the movie psychic exists in realms that you cannot even comprehend.

Case in point, last week’s predictions were amazingly accurate (give or take a few small details): the new Coen Brother’s film, “Intolerable Cruelty” was funny, but lighter than their other material and in the end it did get bloody and vengeful, but then their overwhelming lust for one another (one being Monsieur Clooney and the other being Madame Zeta-Jones) did, of course, win out. This is what I predicted and let it be so.

Also as I predicted, the film “The House of the Dead” was an incredible piece of merde, fit only for viewing by geese, komodo dragons and incontinent, unmarried men over the age 40 (furthermore, I predict the sequel will only be released in New Zealand).

And last but not least, I predicted that Monsieur Quentin Tarentino’s “Kill Bill: Vol. 1” would be an ultra-violent piece of joie de cinema that severed almost every body part known to l’homme. Of course, a few of these details eluded me, but I am the movie psychic and you can never possibly fathom the depths and dimensions that I wander through to bring you, the ungrateful reader, your weekly movie forecast.

Now, while I said that Lucy Lui cut off a man’s penis, she really cut off a man’s head: and I am sure you can see where I made my mistake (sometimes the cosmos that control Hollywood formulas are a bit cloudy). And also, where I said that Uma Thurman would get pregnant at the end of this bloody genre-bending epic, she in fact finds out that her daughter from her first pregnancy at the beginning of the film has survived. I attribute this error to the fact that Monsieur Tarantino refuses to make use of a clear rational linear narrative and also that I was staring at the haunting bicep of Jean-Claude Van Damme, Belgium’s own Chuck Norris, on the calendar above my typewriter, while I probed the cosmos for that prediction. So over all, these mistakes were not my fault at all, but most likely someone else’s, nonetheless I have given myself a competence rating of 9.5 on a scale of 1 being not psychic at all (like you) to 10 being able-bodied, beautiful and totally psychic, almost to a fault (like me).

Your Movie Forecast for the Weekend of 17 October 2003:

“The Texas Chainsaw Massacre”: This is the remake of the 1977 classic horror film. This has always been a story about man versus technology, or to put it more literally, pretty teenagers being hacked to little pieces by a chainsaw. This remake will not disappoint those twisted souls who enjoy watching teenagers be hacked to little pieces by a chainsaw, but those who are purists of the horror genre will be disappointed by this remake, because, I predict, those people just enjoy being disappointed. I predict the ending of this film will be the same as the original, where the one surviving woman will get a ride away from the crazed family of Texans, of which the most notable is the one who enjoys wearing human skin on his face. I also see, a hard rock soundtrack and a technological update, where crazy Texans have learned how to install and use web-cams or closed-circuit televisions…

“Runaway Jury”: This film has an amazing ensemble cast including John Cusak, Gene Hackman, and Dustin Hoffman, but I predict that it will still stink like the sewers of Brussels on a hot summer day. This will be another bad courtroom drama based off of the work of the overrated American author John Grisham. For some reason, people in Hollywood think that lawyers are interesting and that the people of the world share this belief with them. Those people in Hollywood are horribly wrong. I predict that in this film, people will misuse the word “jury” as if it is a singular object that they own, like a dog or some sort of gerbil. They will use it in such statements as “You’re losing me my jury!” where in reality, one cannot lose a jury like this and one cannot have ownership of said jury. C’est ridiculous! You could say, “You’re losing me my hamster!” and I might be able to get behind that statement, but it is still a grammatical inaccuracy. I predict that the word “jury” will be so overused as a singular object that many people claim ownership of that no one will really care how this movie ends.