Competency Rating (hardly challenged and undeniably beautiful): Huuhhhhhh … I’m really not complaining, mon amis, but what is the point of having a supernatural affinity to the psychic realm solely for the purpose of predicting the endings of Hollywood movies-as well as a rock hard body with curves in all of the right places, built exclusively for sin-if Hollywood is not even going to challenge my gifts with a decent plot twist or a star that is even close to me in pure animalistic attractiveness? While Ashton Kutcher may be somewhat of a hunky piece of man meat, next to my unattainably gorgeous figure that makes mere mortal men feel as though they have caught a glimpse of heaven, Kutcher appears more like man-bologna, or some sort of man olive loaf, while I, Madame Beignet de la Mort, am more akin to the queen of caviar, ripe with eggs and a tickle to the tongue. Maybe Hollywood feels useless against my powers, or is caught up in my eyes, hungering for Madame de la Mort to grace its scarred brow with a touch of my index finger … Either that, or people in Hollywood are the most contrived, formulaic monsters to every invest 40 million dollars in the creation of the spent sewage waste that we call the moving picture! Oh, and by the way, I am tr퀌�s, tr퀌�s, tr퀌�s, tr퀌�s, tr퀌�s, beautiful.
Your Movie Forecast for the weekend of 30 January 2004:
“The Big Bounce”: Okay, so Owen Wilson is a drifter who can break into houses. Sarah Foster is a girl who is somewhat attractive (although not unattainably gorgeous, like moi). She tries to seduce him into stealing $200,000 from Gary Sinise. But she is seeing Gary Sinise. Charlie Sheen gets beat up by Vinnie Jones. Owen Wilson steals the money from Gary Sinise and Charlie Sheen steals the money from Owen Wilson, although he thinks Sarah Foster did it. Then there is a bit more double-crossing, Morgan Freeman kills Gary Sinise and Willie Nelson plays the guitar with Harry Dean Stanton. Am I forgetting anything? Oh yes, Owen Wilson finds Sarah Foster after he’s got the money back from Morgan Freeman and they have less attractive love than I do on a Monday morning.
“The Perfect Score”: What I don’t understand, (and not even the intelligence of the cosmos could help me figure this one out), is this: why is Scarlet Johansson in a teen movie? Oh well. Anyway, this movie is about six teenagers stealing the answers to the S.A.T. And they do steal it. But then, they do not use the answers, because they feel some sort of emotion that I am not familiar with: how do you say, guilt, is it? Whatever. Of course, they all end up doing all right on the tests, so that they can go to college and do “beer bongs” and eat Twinkies or whatever you Americans do at college these days …
“You Got Served”: Every once in a while, a little movie will come along that will make you wonder why they do not sell eye-gouging instruments at the concession stands of movie theaters. This, mon amis, is that movie. This is the male counterpart to the film of a few years ago, called “Bring it On.” Where in that film, they would say “bring it on” and then someone else would say, “Oh. Oh-Oh! It has already been broughten! Um-hmm.” In this film they say, “You got served” and you will “Oh! Oh-Oh! I wish I had some hydrochloric acid, so that I could rub it into my eyes to make this stop! Please make it stop! I will pay anyone a hundred dollars to turn this off immediately!” Oh, it has been broughten, mon amis.