As a young girl in southern Belgium after World War II, I was introduced to Hollywood cinema at my small village퀌_s community theater. At the time, the European film industry had been completely decimated and we Belgians loved the Hollywood movie. I, a young girl with nothing to do, born to a father who had an unnatural love of French pastries and a mother who sold broken radio transistors to Turkish immigrants at the march퀏� on Sundays, realized my true calling at an early age, being so lucky. I realized I could see ahead, I could see the future, not for all, but only in Hollywood movies. The endings became so clear to me, even before they happened. I was always one step ahead of the plot points. I now bring my talent to you to help in selecting your movie-going pleasures.
Competency Rating (9): D’accord. So it is time yet again in the week for you all to bask in the brillance of your favorite, deliciously attractive cinematic clairivoyent, while asking yourself some of the tougher questions in life, such as: How will the new Russell Crowe movie end and what does this mean for my future? And I, Madame Beignet de la Mort, then have to break the news to you that unless you happen to be an Aussie actor with a neck radius similar to that of a semi-truck tire and a dim glow in your eyes that you believe feigns competency, but most other people believe is only a tick and you are trying to break into the Hollywood show business, the ending of this movie will mean nothing for your future and I can’t possibly see why you would want sit in a dark room with Russel Crowe for two plus hours, for that man has sticky hands if you know what I mean.
Anyway, as of last week, you may see that my competency rating is still running high and I am more and more attractive everyday, almost to the point where it is frightening for less attractive people to be in the prescence of my ever-increasing deliciously attractive self. I will leave you all with a question concerning the Hollywood show business: why for the love of God does every US film studio release every film they have made about British people in November?It is an awful dread. My thouroughly potent pyschic visions have been more boring lately than trying to stay awake through a cricket match. I think that next year, I will take a holiday for the m onth of November, so as I do not have to think about the British anymore, but until then I will continue to lambast any and every movie that presupposes that British people are any more than snaggle-toothed, unemotional wretches that spend most of their time trying to pretend that they human beings.
YOUR MOVIE FORECAST FOR THE WEEKEND OF 14 NOVEMBER 2003:
“Looney Tunes: Back in Action”
So this is a film in which two B-actors, namely Brendan Fraiser and Jenna Elfman try desperately to revive their careers by talking to a lot of cartoons. I predict that it will not work. Oh yeah, and Steve Martin is in it too. What has that guy done sense “The Jerk”?
This film is another attempt to make a dollar off the deceased, yet talented rapper/actor/activist Tupac Shakur, while at the same time trying to immortalize him as the Elvis of hip-hip. I predict that in five years the Weekly World News will have “Tupac sightings.” I could tell you how this movie ends, but I am sure that you can figure it out on your own, even without being totally psychic almost to a fault and horrifically gorgeous.
“Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World”
This is the kind of film you watch if you enjoy men with scurvy alone at sea for extended periods of time and also believe that British people are “the good guys” and French people are “the bad guys.” One will expect this coming from Hollywood in this, the post-freedom fries era, yet it is no excuse to put Russell Crowe at the helm. I predict that most of the bad guys in the films released in the near future will have Francophonic bad guys. Shame on you, Hollywood! Shame on your less atractive selves!