10 Warning Signs

For some people, one-night stands are the epitome of the perfect night out. Men and women of all ages have been involved in these brief sexual encounters.

It is a sad reality, however, that there are people in this world that, until they get their act together, should not be fucked. No matter how appealing they seem at first, some people will prove to be major disappointments between the sheets.

The following is a list of 10 warning signs that, if recognized, should send you and your genitals running in the opposite direction.

FOR GIRLS (who like guys)

His place is messy.

If you missed all of the warning signs at the club, not to worry: This one is hard to miss. Take one look around his house. Is there stale food everywhere? Is there a permanent butt print on the seat of his couch? How many porn magazines are lying around? Are there empty beer cans where rose petals should be?

More often than not, if his life is messy, then he probably does not get laid often and, thus, will probably be messy in bed.

The hard part about this one is that you’re already in his place and getting out of it may prove tricky. Tell him you have a husband in prison or that you have not shaved in four months. Or simply walk out and hail a cab.

He does not believe in condoms.

Chances are, if he doesn’t carry a condom, he is probably a carrier of something. Don’t let him share the joy.

He brags about his sexual achievements and expertise.

Real men need not be swimming in their own compliments to know they are fantastic in bed. They need not flex their muscles every four seconds or pretend to be listening to you when they have actually spent the last five minutes checking themselves out in the window behind you.

If you catch this behavior, probability has it that this man is either really cocky or really insecure, neither of which would be enjoyable for you.

He interrupts you while you’re talking and doesn’t let you finish.

If he does not let you finish outside the bedroom, what makes you think he will let you finish in bed? Be cautious about this warning sign, however, because it could be that you just talk too much. In which case, it is just as likely that you are rude in bed as well.

He lives with his mom.

Few women want their passionate lip locking and heated body embraces to come to an abrupt halt with the flipping of a light switch and the mother of your hookup standing in the doorway. If he plans on hooking up with you after you leave the club, ask if he has his own place. If he still lives with mommy, kindly remove your ass from the front of his pants and start grinding the air again. Hopefully, you will have better luck with the next guy.

FOR GUYS (who like girls)

She is still in high school.

We’ve all met them: the ex-cheerleader who looks like she hates her life because she has not picked up a pompom since high school, the valedictorian who loves to worm that small fact into every conversation, the school floozy who brags about how many guys she’s slept with since graduation.

High school should not be a topic of conversation between one-night standers. If she brings it up, she probably (a) has not grown up, (b) is crazy and plans to tie you down in a long-term commitment or (c) managed to obtain a fake ID and still is in high school.

So if she manages to slide any aspect of her secondary education into the “your place or mine” convo, calmly walk away and rethink your options.

She smells like body odor, fecal matter or any other un-ladylike smells, do not fuck her.

No shit.

She starts talking to you like a baby.

If, for any reason, the two of you talk enough for her to break out the “baby talk,” leave her, and fast. No man deserves to be called “baby boo boo” or “honey munchkin chipmunk face,” especially by his one-night stand. Save your manhood while you still can.

She is into weird, kinky sex, and you are not.

If she brings a whip to the club, do not make eye contact. If she starts doing weird things when she dances, such as licking your toes, pinching your calves or punching your penis, chances are she is crazy in the bedroom—and maybe too crazy for you. Ask yourself if this is really what you want.

Her intoxication prevents her from walking upright.

Far too often, guys hunt for the drunkest woman in the club. And then when they find her, they are often disappointed by her lack of mobility. It might be a hard concept to grasp, but if your take-out is so drunk that she can barely walk, stand or hold her pee, chances are she will fall asleep as soon as her face hits the pillow (or floor, whichever she falls onto first). Do your penis a favor and save yourself this hassle. You’ll be better off on a date with your hand and some porn.