13 questions for Dick Cheney’s tax return

Now that tax season is over it’s time to start anticipating those refund checks. From travel agents to high-end electronics stores to Home Depot, there are all sorts of resources jockeying for your extra cash through promotions and sales. But what do these returns really mean? Is this really your chance to spoil yourself or would it better serve you to start saving for a rainy day? To gain better insight into the nature of tax returns I went to the source, the money itself, and not just any wad of cash, but the biggest one I know ?” Dick Cheney’s $2.2 billion tax return.


Hi, how’s it going? Have you put on weight?
Well, when you’re this big you accrue interest fast, if you know what I mean.

I think I do, but isn’t the idea that you go back into the economy ?” get spent, give our country a boost?
That’s for regular people with regular tax returns, not something so magnificent as me. I’m for investing, baby. Besides, haven’t you heard the news ?” the economy jumped 4.8 percent last quarter. That’s the best since ’03.

But this “upswing” is really only an illusion. The economy only jumped so much because it lagged so heavily in the fourth quarter of last year.
That’s the problem with you lefties, always looking to the past- not us. This $2.2 billion is looking to the future.

Okay, so what your plans?
Can’t tell you. I’m a secret. Where Dick Cheney’s money goes is none of your goddamn business. Got me?

Not even a hint?
Well, I can tell you I might be headed overseas.

Invested in Halliburton?
Quit looking to the past! No more questions about that!

People speculate that you, weighing in at a quarter of Cheney’s overall income last year, are only around because of Bush’s rich-friendly tax reforms last year. Some say you wouldn’t exist without corporate cronyism.
And some say you wouldn’t exist without a picture of margaritas and a broken condom, but we’re both here aren’t we? Besides don’t friends help each other out? Isn’t that the point? Are you really so lonely and bitter you’d begrudge others their friendships? For shame!

Isn’t it strange though that President Bush paid almost $200,000 in taxes whereas Cheney ended up making you in a return?
Well, no offense, but W’s not the smartest apple in the road ?” if you know what I mean. Dick just works the system. He’s a wiz.

Are you worried about the looming recession? What about when the boomers retire? The economy will collapse under their social security needs; we won’t be able to support them. Are you worried about how you’ll be doing then?
Naw, I’m not worried. Dick’s got a line to the Main Guy ?” if you catch my meaning. We’ve got a deal that’ll keep us safe.

A deal with God?
Other way, bucko.

So anyway – ever shoot anyone?
Me, no. Heh, no.

What’s that spot on you?
Uh, just ketchup – you know I was having lunch with Greenspan and well those Carl’s Jr. burgers are just super messy. You know what I mean – you’ve seen the ads, right?

I don’t know, it doesn’t look too much like ketchup – wait, is that blood? You’re blood money aren’t you?!
This interview is over!