Fits like a glove:

So you’re ready to go, and all you need is a condom. But what kind? Colors, shapes, flavors – do you really want to pop seven bucks on a box labeled "intense pleasure," without knowing whether it’s really worth it?

Well, fear not, because the Vanguard is here to offer you our knowledge and insight inside those $7 boxes.

Technicolored and Tasty
You can find colored or flavored condoms in name-brands such as Durex Colours and Scents at the grocery store, or other novelty versions at fine establishments like Spartacus or lying around your local student government office.

Now, I don’t know about you, but I stay away from the flavored condoms. They smell funny to begin with, and still taste like latex and lubricant. Besides, if I want something cola-flavored, my first thought is not to engage in fellatio.

Thin is in?
"Extra Sensitive" usually means one thing when it comes to condoms: They are thinner than regular condoms. And despite all claims to the contrary on the packaging, thinner condoms are more likely to break – so what’s the point? Is a little bit more sensation really worth the risk? Besides, if you’re doing things right, the condom doesn’t matter.

For the ladies …
A number of brands have recently developed a line of condoms just for the ladies. Some, like Durex Her Sensation, are ribbed and berry-scented (whatever). Trojan’s Her Pleasure are more mysterious and simply boast that they are "designed for female stimulation."

Being a "female," I once gave the Trojan Her Pleasure condom a try. And, honestly, I didn’t get it. Seriously, I’m going to have to play the "doing things right" card again. Because when I tried Her Pleasure condoms, my guy was definitely doing things right – just like he was when we didn’t use the fancy condoms.

These are the condoms of every man’s dream … Durex XXL, Trojan Magnum … in other words, for the extremely well-endowed. But guys, please, skip the ego-trip when you go to the store, no matter how hot the clerk is. Only buy the big guys if you really need ’em. Otherwise, they’ll fall off, and that’s no good.

If you do think you’re a candidate for the jumbo condoms, you can get condom measurements online at most brands’ web sites (, And, besides, size doesn’t really matter.

Why? I mean, really, what’s the point? Why are these things even being manufactured? And what losers buy them? Seriously, latex is not the same as flesh – go for the lubrication, please, unless planning to use it as a dental dam.

Flames of passion
A new trend for condoms (and lubricants, too) is to offer extra pleasure through "warming sensations." The problem here is that these tricks don’t really "warm" so much as they burn. Burning and sex should never mix.

That’s not a defect
Bumps, twists, ridges and even studs – no, the manufacturers didn’t screw up. Those are meant for extra pleasure, and these days it seems like you can put any texture on a condom. I never much saw the point, but maybe that’s because I’ve always just had good sex. One more time, kids: "If you’re doing things right …"

Well, you know the rest. But, then again, maybe ridges just aren’t my thing.

The Average Joe
Basic lubricated latex, no bumps or ridges, no special formulas, regular thickness, almost boring in the vast sea of specialty condoms.

Nonetheless, these babies get my pick for best condoms. Specifically, my favorite is the Trojan-Enz, though Durex offers an equivalent (often available for free at the Student Health Center).

But whatever your personal preference, make sure you do use a condom or dental dam. Because nothing beats safe sex, kids.