From Shiv to Shank

  • In the aftermath of the first presidential debate, White Househopeful John Kerry regally blushed as newspapers around the countrydeclared the Massachusetts senator the victor, citing his capacityfor linear thought as his greatest asset. Not to be outdone,President Bush stuttered a retort, snickering that pollsters were”commie faggots” and urged them not to forget “the sacrifices ofPoland,” which, it turns out, did not participate in the initialinvasion of Iraq as the president so eloquently claimed they did onnumerous occasions during Thursday night’s debate, between a seriesof long, hanging “umms.”

  • On Tuesday, Gov. Ted Kulongoski removed Diane Goldschmidt fromher seat on the Oregon Investment Council after she refused toresign. Diane, along with her pedophile husband Neil, are currentlyunder investigation by the State Attorney General’s officeconcerning an unexpected vote by the council last year whichinvolved Texas Pacific Corporation buying PGE from corporateillusionists, Enron. While the investigation is examining anypersonal profit the Goldschmidts may have accumulated from thevote, the removal of Mrs. Goldschmidt from the council historicallymarks the first action Kulongoski has taken since becoming Oregon’sgovernor two years ago, lest we forget Tillamook Cheese Day.

  • Oregon Gov. Ted Kulongski, power hungry after firing hisfriends, continued his bureaucratic rampage and took drasticmeasures to curb the ever-prevalent, do-it-yourself methamphetamineepidemic in Oregon. The new law requires consumers ofover-the-counter cold remedies, such as Sudafed, to display ID atthe register, which will be entered into a statewide database in aneffort to stop the production of the “poor man’s cocaine.” Oregoneconomists, coming off of a five-day tweek, worry about the impactof the new rule, which could hinder Oregon’s last remaining growthindustry.

  • After a week of activity, the alert system at Mount St. Helenswas elevated to a level 3. Subsequently, President George “Walker,Texas Ranger” Bush, mistaking the USGS alert system for the lesscredible and efficient Homeland Security alert system, planned awide scale bombing campaign of the beloved volcano, citing new”vociferous intelligence” against the national landmark as heleafed through a Reader’s Digest. “Whoa, boys,” replied Mount St.Helens. “No need for preemptive measures here. I was just blowingoff a little bit of steam.”

  • The Terrorist Screening Center, a division of the Department ofHomeland Security, which was charged last year with the task ofcompiling ten “apprentice” terrorist watch lists into one grand”master terrorist watch list” has fallen behind schedule due tobureaucratic ineptitude. The problem with assembling the masterlist is that there are only so many spaces to fill and so manymaster terrorists to list, which has caused some internalcombustion within the organization as to whom should be included:Ted Kennedy, Cat Stevens or Mothra.

  • Last week, the Portland Public School District decided to endits ten-year contract with KPSU, which had allowed the collegeradio station to broadcast on the school district’s AM bandwidth.They have opted instead to broadcast high school sports fromBenson, replacing KPSU’s varied musical programming. While publicdemand for the live broadcast of high school sports is welldocumented and has occasionally verged on bloodlust, it is sad tosee that the consolidation of the airwaves can no longer be blamedsolely on Clear Channel. We at the Shivtastic Desk of Shankdomwould like to thank the Portland Public School District forwidening our bleak worldview. Who says you can’t learn anything inpublic school?