From Shiv to Shank

•  In the wake of her recent sentencing to a5-month prison stint, Martha Stewart has decided to write a how-tobook chronicling the dos and don’ts of today’s high profile,white-collar criminal’s legal stratagem. Example: “Do hire theright multimillion dollar trial lawyer. Don’t lie to the FBI. Doappeal. Don’t use drab, fall colors to decorate your cell.” Kenneth”White Meat” Lay, founder and former CEO of Enron is expected tocontribute the rousing introduction to the book, tentativelytitled, “Martha Stewart: Hard Living.”

•  In their July 19 issue, Newsweek reported thatHomeland Security Director Tom Ridge has proposed that the JusticeDepartment’s Office of Legal Council research what legal maneuverswould be necessary to postpone the November presidential election.This is in response to a claim of unsubstantiated intelligencesurrounding a nonspecific Election Day terrorist threat. There isno word yet on the possibility of the postponement, nor what itsduration may be. Although some analysts expect that thepostponement and the terror warning may remain in effect until thenatural death of President George W. Bush at the ripe age of87.

•  Saturday evening, former celebrity LindaRonstadt was barred entrance to her luxury suite and escorted offof the property of the Aladdin Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas afterthe sickeningly benign singer praised Michael Moore and hisdocumentary “Fahrenheit 9/11” during one of her floor shows, muchto the chagrin of her audience of drunken gamblers and starry-eyedMidwesterners. We at the Shivtastic Desk of Shankdom are infuriatedthat Ms. Ronstadt has joined Howard Stern, the Dixie Chicks, WhoopiGoldberg and that stoner dude formerly known as the Dell ComputerDude in the ranks of second-rate celebrities that we love-to-hatebut who have unwittingly been turned into incidental martyrs ofcivil rights, whom we now must support. Christ, it’s a sick, sickworld, people. But… Vive Linda Ronstadt!

•  On Monday, President Bush said that the CIAhad found “no direct connection between Iran and the attack ofSept. 11,” but “we will continue to look and see if the Iranianswere involved.” In the aftermath of an intelligence fiasco whichled to the current war in Iraq and new suspicions concerning Iran,at the behest of the president the CIA is also looking into otherthings that start with the letters I, R and A, and theirrelationship to the Sept. 11 attacks. The investigation will probethe word irate, the Irish Republican Army and guys named Ira,including the good-natured host of NPR’s “This American Life,” IraGlass. Ira Glass could not be reached for comment by presstime.

•  In response to a recent claim made by IsraeliPrime Minister Ariel Sharon, in which he advised French Jews to”move to Israel, as soon as possible” to avoid what Sharon sees asan alarming rise in the number of anti-Semitic attacks in France,the French government and prominent French Jewish leaders havedenounced the remark. French President Jacques Chirac decreed thatPrime Minister Sharon is not welcome in France until he explainshis sentiment. Also, in an effort to add insult to injury, Sharon’ssoft cheese privileges have been revoked until further notice.

•  On Tuesday, Reuters reported that funkychicken Michael Jackson, the self-proclaimed King of Pop andaccused King of Rubba-Rubba will soon be the proud father ofquadruplets. Oh yes, that’s right: four more babies, bringing hisgrand total to seven by way of another unidentified surrogatemother. Is this just another step for the King of Pop in his questto become the first man in recorded history to breed his own harem?Stay tuned.


shiv (shiv) n. [Romany chiv, blade; later Prison Slang]a knife, esp. one used as a weapon, or formed by the sharpening ofa spoon.

shank (shank) n. 1. a projection or wire loop on somebuttons that which they are sewn to fabric. 2. [Prison Slang] aknife, esp. one formed by the sharpening of a spoon.