Kookiest campus crimes of 2015

Being an urban campus lends itself to an array of unique encounters. Crimes on campus are often just as unpredictable as Portland weather. Here’s a list of this year’s wildcards.

Random AF

Exclusion at University Services Building on Jan. 6
Officers contacted a non-student who had been sitting on a forklift parked in the building’s loading dock. He was excluded after officers found a bottle with marijuana residue on him.

Will work for weed?

Exclusion at Market Center Building on Feb. 11
A non-student flagged down officers because someone was sleeping in the back of her car. The officers removed Sleeping Beauty from the vehicle and charged him with unlawful entry and theft II, and he was issued an exclusion.

Portland really needs to do something about the housing crisis.

Warrant Arrest in University Honors Building on May 5
Someone was seen “observing a cold, refreshing Steel Reserve beer.” He was arrested after a background check.


Assist in SW College/SW Park on May 9
An 88-year-old non-student drove through the Park Blocks. Witnesses said he almost hit pedestrians when he drove on the sidewalk next to the Shattuck tennis court. A tree and parking-sign crash stopped the driver. Unable to communicate, he was transferred to OHSU.

No comment.

Theft II in the Blackstone Residence Hall on May 19
Eight loads of laundry were stolen from the laundry room after sitting there for two days.

At least the thief saved somebody a lot of ironing time.

Exclusion Near Walk of Heroines on June 24
A person got caught crapping on campus.

That pretty much says it all.

Disorderly Conduct and Arrest in the Montgomery Parking Lot on June 26
Two dudes threw glass bottles at Portland State parking enforcement officers. One of the officers said he did not think the men intended to hit them.

Just goes to show that no one likes meter maids.

Bizarre jerks

Exclusion in Smith Memorial Student Union on Feb. 21
Officers responded to a report of a non-student holding a shank and asking to see the dean. He admitted to being under the influence of an amphetamine salt that he said was not illegal.

As if that was somehow comforting?

Harassment in the Academic and Student Recreation Center on May 8
A male was reported to have doused a woman in ice-cold water from behind.

Maybe he thought he’s still at spring break in Florida.

Student Conduct on May 25
A student said “she wanted to drug a professor and take incriminating photos” in a message to another student. The female student told CPSO she was joking and that “she did not wish harm upon the professor.” She also said she was only trying to flirt with the other student and that she has “an odd sense of humor.”

Is this a screenplay for a horror movie? No? It is now.

Possible Racially Motivated Incident in Cramer Hall on June 3
Two female students reported that they were talking after class on the west side of Cramer Hall “when they were approached by an elderly white female” who said “Welcome to America” and tried to dump a cup of soda on them. They ran and the woman chased them, yelling, but they were able to leave.

Maybe she needs a Welcome-to-the-21st-Century rude awakening.

Exclusion in Branford Price Millar Library on June 4
An allegedly masturbating male was contacted by the officers and excluded.

Homie, get a room for that librarian fetish.

Stranger than fiction

Sexual Assault in Millar Library on Jan. 8
A non-student reported sexual assault to the Portland Police Bureau. The individual was a chronic caller and often falsely reported sexual assaults, according to PPB. When CPSO responded, the individual stated that he had been molested after noxious gasses that caused him to faint. He also stated he had been injected with a stimulant that had caused his penis to become erect.

This sounds like a Joker plot gone awry.

Exclusions from Parking Structure Three on May 17
Two people were sleeping on the outside of the southwest stairwell. “Human waste, orange hypodermic needle caps, burnt tin foil and garbage” covered the stairwell. When asked what the paraphernalia was being used for, they said it was “just for weed.”

Yeah, like that is going to work.

Unlawful Possession of Meth, Criminal Mischief I, Disorderly Conduct II near SW Broadway/SW College on May 28
A seemingly intoxicated man was disturbing bystanders and then tried to lift an ATM. The man picked up a brick and threw it at the ATM as officers approached. They ran toward him, telling him to stop. After a brief pursuit, the officers spotted him at SW Fourth and SW Hall. A small bag of meth was found on the man when he was detained at the Multnomah County Detention Center.

Did he just watch Breaking Bad “Peekaboo,” about the stolen ATM?

Exclusion at Hoffmann Hall on May 30
A non-student male was digging through the bushes for an hour before CPSO responded. The man pulled out a used syringe containing blood when identification was requested.

Thanks for the DNA sample.