Off The Top Of My Head

Dear Carmen,

My boyfriend and I share a house with my good friend, Buffy. She recently got back together with her ex-girlfriend. I’m really happy that she’s finally getting laid again, but I didn’t realize that their sex sessions would average four to five hours at a time. I would be okay with it, but her room is right above mine, and she’s a rambunctious girl. My guy and I can’t take three weeknights a week of no sleep punctuated by loud moaning and opera-worthy screams. Please help!

Sleepless in Portland


Oh, the loud joys of lovemaking. Poor Buffy has obviously been without for too long as it is, so I wouldn’t think of asking her to stop completely. I’ll give you two solutions.

First, you could just wait it out. Surely, Buffy and her lover will not carry on with such vigor much longer. If they continue four-hour sex fests three times a week instead of sleeping, their noise level will quickly drop.

Second, have you even talked to her about this? Maybe she gets lost in the moment and doesn’t realize how loud she is, or how well the sound travels downward. I see no reason why a reasonable person wouldn’t at least limit her rowdy sex nights to one or two a week and on weekends. Of course, you could always just be louder yourself, you quiet little sexer, but she probably won’t be able to hear you over her own moaning.

Dear Carmen,
What is a cock ring?
Drowning in Kink


Well, the cock in cock ring refers to penis, and cock rings are used by some men to make the act of sex even more enjoyable. Cock rings come in many sizes, but all the same shape, of course, a circle. They can be made of metal, rubber, even leather. Some are even adjustable for added pressure. They are put over the penis and testicles, close to the body, usually before the penis is erect. Some cock rings even have snaps in order to put on and take off more easily. When the penis becomes erect, the cock ring puts pressure on the genitals by blocking the bloodflow to the penis, thereby delaying ejaculation. When trying one for the first time, I would suggest starting with a rubber ring, which is quite affordable. This is just in case the ring is too small and has to be cut off, though this is easily avoided if one is sure to buy a ring large enough to accommodate the penis. Men, this is not a time to be modest, if you were at all before. Just remember, DIK, not everyone enjoys the feeling a cock rings gives them, but it is definitely something worth trying.

Dear Carmen,

I feel really guilty. I was at a friend’s party last weekend, and I was incredibly drunk. I crashed on the couch, and woke up early in the morning, sitting alone and in a puddle of my own (I assume) urine. I got up, turned over the cushion, and went home. Should I tell my friend what happened?

Piss Pants


Well, it really depends. Was it a lot of urine, or just a wee bit? If that cushion was soaked through and smelly, you need to tell them, if only to apologize. And you’ll have to at least offer to have it cleaned. If you were lucky and there was only a little mess with no obvious smell, you might just get away with it. Sometimes it’s better to not know. Plus, this way you’d avoid the embarrassing stories sure to surface as soon as your new girlfriend meets your friends.

Dear Carmen,

Which toaster should I buy, the Hamilton Beach Classic Chrome two-slicer or the Toastmaster Classic four-slicer? What do you think?



Well, if they are of equal shininess, then you should definitely go with the four-slice toaster. Some would consider how much toast you actually eat, but I say the more holes, the better. And hey, what do you have against toaster ovens? One big hole might be just what you need. Plus, it’s wonderfully versatile.

Want to know what Carmen thinks you should do? Write to her at [email protected] or P.O. Box 347, Portland, OR 97207-0347.