Puppets vs. People

May 5,12 4 p.m.
($9 w/ can of food)
ComedySportz Arena
1963 NW Kearney
Tickets (503) 236-8888

Actletes: noun, (Act – leats) 1) A professional actor or actress who has trained for one year or more to compete in comedic competition; 2) One of participants in a heated, audience-driven competition known as ComedySportz.

Puppetletes: noun, (Pup – pet – leats) 1) A furry, non-living creature, who is generally good-natured and loves to entertain human beings; 2) A relative of Jim Henson; 3) The opposing participant in a heated, audience-driven competition known as ComedySportz.

Now that we’ve got the technical jargon out of the way, let’s get down to what this article is really about – comedic warfare. Most people haven’t heard about this new form of entertainment, so I’ve made it my mission to inform the public of this new danger.

You see, once you’ve been exposed to this hostile confrontation of laughter, experts like the Anti-Puppet Coalition (APC) believe you won’t have the desire to watch anything else. Some overseas-based organizations like the Brainwashed Idiotic Grandmothers Against Comedy (BIGMAC) believe it will seriously impact a young adult’s ability to form traditional, “How did the chicken cross the road?” humor.

For these reasons and hundreds of others too illegitimate to list in this article, respected citizens should not attend the ComedySportz event held on May 5 and 12 at 4 p.m. The bootleg entertainment will be at the ComedySportz Arena located at 1963 NW Kearney.

Intelligence has recently begun to filter back to a hastily constructed headquarters combating this growing form of comedy. These reports indicate that the Tears of Joy theater is one of the major groups responsible. This organization has been aiding the puppet species for years and is considered the primary source of “Puppetletes” for this year’s competition.

All citizens should be advised that the Puppetletes do not have weapons, but posses a human partner and should be considered completely harmless. The mastermind company ComedySportz provides the human fodder for this blatant attempt to create good humor. They claim the event is completely professional, based on input from the crowd and controlled by an impartial referee. This official has the power to enact the “Brown Bag Penalty” if members of the audience or competing teams use improper verbiage. Back at headquarters we call this “swearing.”

Captain Baba Yaga, a puppet, has claimed to several witnesses that he is “thrilled about this year’s team.” The roster also includes Shere Kahn and Tabaqui from the “Jungle Book,” Roelander, whose subversive image appears on Tri-met art buses and that notorious bear Rymchimchi from the “Adventures of Rymchimchi.”

Human artistic director Nancy Aldrich and puppeteers Tim Giugni, Lance Woolen and creator Amy Gray are being sought for immediate questioning and re-education.

Comedy warfare found its roots in Portland over a year ago at the Winningstad Theatre. Little understood by honest citizens, except those packing the theater, a furious battle raged in which human operatives known only by the code name “Actletes” took on the Puppetletes and lost their shorts in two successive matches.

The humans, or “meat” as the puppets refer to them, have devised an ambush strategy for the approaching match on their home court at the ComedySportz Arena.

One Actlete, Mike “Quag” Myers, was overheard to say, “Who would have thought that the puppets could have been any kind of threat? This year we’re thinking outside of the box, unlike our opponents. Like, they live in a box. Get it?” The humans have the home turf and unconventional tactics on their side, but the addition of a fourth puppet to an already brilliant trio will even the odds.

So, if you have any information on the whereabouts or activities of any of the above-mentioned parties, then you won’t need to call ComedySportz at (503) 236-8888. This number is strictly reserved for citizens who want to know more about the event and how to reserve tickets for as little as $10.

Another hotline is currently in development to handle calls from competing entertainment companies who claim things like, “Puppets are taking over the world,” “ComedySportz is too much fun to be legal,” and “Why doesn’t somebody stop what these puppets are doing to our children?”