Seeing Stars Horoscope

Aries (March 21-April 20)
Jennifer Garner

Much like your star mate, “Alias” superstar Jennifer Garner, Ithink you’ve been duped, Aries. Now would be a good time to stepback from your life and take a moment to reconsider your choices.Are you doing what (or who) you’re doing because it’s the bestchoice for you, or because you feel compelled to do it by outsideinfluences? Is Jen’s new boy-toy Ben Affleck really such a hottie,or is he just some donkey-faced hack who couldn’t act his way intodouble coupon day, much less into the arms of one of the hottestwomen on earth?

Taurus (April 21- May 21)
Stephen Baldwin

What’s worse than a stupid alcoholic? An ex-stupid alcoholic whofinds Christ. Much like our esteemed president, Baldwin has quitthe bottle and embraced the Word. I would rather deal with a drunkasshole than an evangelical one any day. Taurus, do the world afavor and have another round. The Republicans have too much poweras it is.

Gemini (May 22- June21)
Natalie Portman
Great googly moogly! Only two actors’ careers have survivedbeing in a Star Wars installment and coincidently they are two ofthe most humpable people on Earth. Take a lesson from your starmate Natalie Portman, Gemini. Going geek isn’t the end of theworld, but there is more to life than Droids and Ewoks. You justhave to brave enough to step out of the moon boots.

Cancer (June22-July 22)
Hunter S. Thompson
In his recent column for ESPN, Dr. Thompson refered to the Bushtwins, Jenna and Babs, as “cupcakes, crazy as barn-cats.” You canlearn a lot from this man. I’m not saying how, though.

Leo (July 23-August 23)
Matt LeBlanc
Sometimes I think you Leos must be the luckiest fucking people onearth. How else could you explain the success of ol’ “side of beef”Matt LeBlanc’s recent sitcom success? Luck is a double edged sword.however Leo. While a successful sitcom may seem amazing, it makesyou think how come all the other “Friends” stars have movie careersnow?

Virgo (August 24-September22)
River Phoenix
You burn brightly, Virgo, and you have an amazing gift to movepeople. Take a lesson from your fellow Virgo River Phoenix. If youburn too brightly, you may combust. Then your half-wit, hare-lippedbrother will ride your reputation to an undeserved spotlight. Andnobody wants that.

Libra (September 23-October 23)
Roy Uwe Ludwig Horn
Well you’re quite the survivor, Libra, not unlike your mangled starmate Roy Horn. I know it’s pointless of me to offer you any advicebecause no matter what I say, you’re just gonna put those whitepants back on and crawl back into that tiger cage. If good tastedoesn’t keep you out the spotlight how can I expect personal safetyto? Good luck, dummy.

Scorpio (October24-November 22)
When I think of Scorpio I think one thing: idea man. You’ve got’em, scorpio, and you’re not afraid to use ’em. But maybe youshould be. Look at Nelly, multi platinum artist, jiggy superstar,international sex symbol. What does he do? He releases two CDs atonce. One full of instant club hits and one full of (gasp) adultcontemporary and country jams. Not all ideas are good ones. In factsome ideas are fucking embarrassing.

Sagittarius (November 23-December 21)
Britney Spears
Married? Not married? I’m beginning to think I don’t give a shitabout your drama, Sagittarius. I feel like you, much like Ms.(Mrs?)Spears, are so wrapped up in manipulating the people around youthat you’ve lost sight of the real purpose of your charade: lookinghella hot.

Capricorn (December 22-January 20)
Hey! Your big movie is finally out on DVD. Who’s my big star? Jesusis! I hope you realize Mel Gibson isn’t doing you any favors byglorifying you through violence. You’ve gone from savior ofhumankind to a religious Rodney King. Don’t let yourself bemanipulated, Capricorn, it’s not about the fame. It’s about themessage.

Aquarius (January 21-February 19)
James Spader
There are times where biting the hand that feeds you is the ethicalway to go. When accepting his recent Emmy, James Spader outedhimself as TV-phobic. Take a cue from his brave lead, Aquarius. Youare not your job, you are a B-list actor who can’t even gethalf-assed film roles and was reduced to a network lacky.

Pisces (February 20- March20)
Tammy Faye Bakker
You are unbelievable this week, Pisces. You’ve done it all, seen itall and did so with fifty pounds hanging from each eyelid. TammyFaye, I may not like your politics but I love your fuckingstyle.