Shiv to Shank

President Bush announced Monday that he would support an independent investigation into the intelligence fiasco surrounding Iraq’s alleged weapons of mass destruction (WMD) programs, so long as the Bush administration can pick those involved in the investigation. Inside reports suggest that Bush is looking for members of his family that would work to redefine the term “WMD” to mean Wiffle Bats, rubble and bootlegged copies of “The Bodyguard” on DVD.

Tomorrow’s “Super Tuesday” extravaganza, during which a number of presidential primaries around the country often crowns the front runner de-facto nomination status, will prove that old hat Massachusetts politicians always win Democratic primaries, when John Kerry walks away with innumerable wins. November’s election, however, will prove that those old hat Massachusetts politicians routinely lose national elections. Just ask Bobby Kennedy.

The FCC raised its puritanical eyebrow as one of Janet Jackson’s breasts was exposed by Justin Timberlake when he tore off half of her leather bustier during the Super Bowl halftime show on Sunday. While 98 percent of Americans still believe J.T. is gay, 98% of FCC voting members still believe that a woman’s body is more vulgar than the word “fuck.”

In the wake of two wars and the condemnation of rampant steroid use among professional athletes, George Bush was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize. Subsequently, the “war on terror” has been renamed “the peace on terror.”

The Bush Administration submitted its annual budget proposal to congress yesterday, raising the estimated deficit for this year to $540 billion, $100 billion more than previous projections. The budget did not include numbers for the reconstruction of Iraq, nor the defense department. This new economic calculus has excited people who live in Neverland and have recently been charged with “bad touching.”

Mary Ellis-Bunem, creator of MTV’s “The Real World” and Paris Hilton’s “The Simple Life” found out just how simple it was to live in the real world when she died last week of cancer.

Geeky stoners around the world were elated when file-sharing company Kazaa announced it was suing the RIAA for unfair trade practices. Following the lead of their electronic messiah, [email protected] through satanslittlehelper66[email protected] joined a class-action suit against the same major label advocacy group for defamation of character.

Portland, tired of being belittled by the big-city violence of L.A., Frisco, and the Emerald City, rocketed back into the headlines this weekend with five murders. That’s right, motherfuckers, five murders.

A Shiv from the future: Measure 30, a compromise passed by the Oregon legislature to fund state programs by temporarily raising income taxes, will fail today when put to the vote of the public, proving yet again, that even when they pass legislation successfully, the Oregon legislature is wholly ineffective. Much like Al Gore running for president.