The Grammar Grouch: Semicolons

It’s my experience that most people are sloppy grammarians incapable of using proper punctuation (let alone understanding it or appreciating its beauty). This is especially true of college students who spend most of their time with a bong in one hand and a Pabst in the other, the sort of jabbering dunces who really should have just gone to trade school instead of slacking off for several years.

So in order to whip you dipsticks into shape, this curmudgeon of a copy chief will make a weekly appearance to remind you all just how grammatically ignorant you are. Hopefully, you’ll take notice and start earning better marks on your term papers.

This inaugural Grammar Grouch column will focus on semicolons, a punctuation device abused more often than alcohol by an Irishman. These glorious marks are, sadly, most often used nowadays for sake of a wink in a text message—you dumb clowns! A semicolon is used to bring together independent clauses in a compound sentence, not as a goddamn wink!

Semicolons can also be used for separating items in a serial list—as in, when you have multiple things to say about a subject that’s in a list of subjects. So, to review: Semicolons are OK for independent clause linkage and serial list separation.

Now, I’m sure some of you are sensible writers already aware of the information my column will contain. Please forgive my bitchy angst and impatience with the crowd of mouth-breathing bozos you slog through each day in pursuit of a quality education. As for you pinheads who needed a dictionary just to finish this column, listen up: I will insult and educate you at the same time in the coming weeks, so swallow that pride and look for this column each Friday.