The Rant & Rage: The kids aren’t all right

I won’t beat around the bush here. Parents of the world, get your brats under control. I know kids can be a handful, but damn it, get some common sense and realize that your little runt running around a restaurant, screaming its head off, is not OK.

This also includes making noise in a theater, being left to run aimlessly around the mall, or just being left unattended in general so they can impose upon the rest of our lives.

I used to think I hated kids. I was wrong. Kids can be great. Who I actually hate is all you sad excuses for parents. It’s been said before, but we really should require a license for parenting. We do for drivers and I firmly believe that bad parents cause far more social ills than bad drivers.

When I was a kid and I caused a scene in the midst of a public place, I was promptly removed and scolded. In our modern world, I doubt this would happen. Instead, that little shit offspring of yours is more likely to be allowed to run amuck with no consequences.

Let’s get another thing straight here—”scolded” can certainly mean spanked. Spanking is not bad. Beating your kid is bad. Spanking is an educational tool that instills your little one with a sense of “oh shit” when they run out into a busy street, play with fire, get into the liquor cabinet or any other incident that can harm them or others (annoying the public counts as harming others). In other words, a kid figures there will be consequences for their actions.

I could go out and rob someone, treat people with disrespect, or I could run across a busy street. I could behave in any number of distasteful and dangerous ways. But I don’t. You know why? Because there is a little switch in the back of my head, called the “oh shit” switch, that causes an unpleasant sensation when ill-mannered notions enter my mind. I got that from being spanked as a child.

In fact, when I am trying to enjoy an evening out despite some little screaming head, I turn to the parent and say, “You know, go ahead. It’s OK to spank that kid. Fear not public scrutiny, I give you permission and will fend off any bastards who argue otherwise.” Even though most of the time the parent who is clearly displaying their inadequacy just screams back, “Don’t tell me how to raise my child!” which is miserably funny when you think about it. I hear folks say that there isn’t a class or instruction booklet for being a parent. But when others try to give advice, or a little help, parents get defensive and insist that everyone shouldn’t tell them how to be a parent. There are instructions out there—they are provided by the rest of us telling you what’s up, if not just glaring at you while you’re making a mistake.

Some of you out there might be thinking. “Well Mr. Richards, you probably don’t have children so you just don’t understand.” And you would be correct. I don’t have any kids—or at least any I am aware of. Just because I don’t have any kids doesn’t mean I can’t try to sympathize or exercise common sense.

Common sense such as knowing that when you have a kid, say goodbye to your life as you know it. It is all about raising that kid now, which means strapping them in front of a TV doesn’t substitute for your presence. Or that handing out rewards to a brat in order to bribe them to behave is beyond stupid. Bad behavior means a bad response. Good behavior means a good response. My experience as a dog owner would make me more qualified as a parent than you, if not for my desire to kennel train children.

Be aware, miscreant parents. Dick Richards is out there and I am calling on the rest of us around you to break our silence.