The Street Savage

My spirit animal is a chicken sandwich.

Anonymous 1

What are you doing? I’m rolling a friggin’ cigarette without a filter… it’s American Spirit, Virginia tobacco. Ya know, the funny thing is that America ah… America wouldn’t be here as we know if it wasn’t for tobacco.

That’s right! So people should smoke. I don’t know about that, but okay. They should smoke pot, anyway…

Well, I don’t think so, and then we’d all be a bunch of hippies. So? It wouldn’t be any worse than it is now… gotta light?

[I hand him my orange Bic lighter] Yes. I mean our whole society revolves around drugs anyway, whether it’s caffeine, er Prozac, or ah ah aha…

Chicken Sandwiches! Chicken Sandwiches, tryptophane! Turkey dinner and pumpkin! I just read that all the squashes give your brain a jolt of serotonin!

Is serotonin your spirit animal? No, it’s my spirit… neurotransmitter.

Is there really such a thing as a spirit neurotransmitter? No, there’s probably a spirit of neurotransmitter.

What does it look like? It’s probably like a little fairy, like that would flit around in the forest.

Do they have breasts? I dunno, does the classic fairy have breasts?

Tinkerbell. Tinkerbell was a transvestite, I’m sure of it… no, she was transgender… what sex was Tinker-bell?

She was female. She was obviously female. But she was actually, played the character of a guy, did she not?

No. She played the part of a nonsexual being.

In the play version, she’s just like a little piece of light floating around. In the Disney version, she’s a very beautiful blonde, curvy blonde. No kidding, curvy blonde?

I’d say she’s about five inches. Oh, in the cartoon version.

And I think you were thinking of Peter Pan. Oh god! I am thinking of Peter Pan! Oh no… well I guess I won’t get printed in this section.

What’s Peter Pan’s spirit animal? Who’s that dancer?… Uh uh Fred Astaire…

Fred Astaire is not an animal! Are human beings animals or not?

Yeah, but when I say animal…Spirit animal!

And spirit animals tend to not be… human. You’d probably be a pretty boring person if your spirit animal was a human. You’re right!

I bet Fred Astaire and Peter Pan have the same spirit animal. It’s probably something graceful…FLYING SQUIRREL!

Holy moly! Just like uh… is it Rocky or Bullwinkle that’s the flying squirrel? Oh yeah, Rocky the flying squirrel!

But can two fictional characters be the spirit animals of each other? Is Peter Pan fictional?

Well, he’s an archetype. Nah, I believe in Peter Pan. All you have to do is believe and he’ll be your friend.

I’ve been trying to get to Never Never Land for… thousands of years and it’s… ah… hasn’t succeeded…sorry, Peter Pan isn’t real, just like God. God’s not real?

No.

Anonymous 2

What’s your spirit animal? [pause] I never really thought about it.

Okay, just say tiger. Tiger.

Tiger upper-cut. Okay.

Tiger upper-cut! Tiger upper-cut?

Ryu-ken!… Do… do you not understand? You’re not getting this cultural reference are you? I actually am, it’s Street Fighter 2.

Who’s your favorite player? Uhm… never played much of Street Fighter 2. I was more a fan of Killer Instinct.

Is there a character on Killer Instinct you could call your… spirit fictional… video game… character? I can’t actually remember their names any more. I don’t really know if I have a spirit character animal thing.

What do you think it is? If I had to define it, I’d probably do so as… a representation of the things you think make up yourself…

Or one’s self, not me. By yourself, I mean one’s own self.

That guy over there is wearing a Punisher shirt. Do you think his spiritual fictional… animal thing is the Punisher? No, I think he just likes the design.

It’s evil! Yeah.

Do you think the Punisher is evil? I couldn’t tell you, I’ve never read any of the Punisher’s stuff, presumably.

He’s a guy that carries around a lot of guns. He’s supposed to be a superhero. Anti-hero?

No, because he fights for good, presumably. Well, no to anti-heroes.

Who’s your spiritual anti-hero? I think the same answer probably applies.

Well you gotta pick someone! There are no anti-heroes out there that really fit my personal embodiment of characteristics.

What about Darth Vader? You’re wearing black. There are lots of people that wear black. I’m not wearing a mask.

So?! Then why does that black matter?

Because it’s something you have in common. [long pause]

Alright never mind that question… what’s your spiritual food item? [pause] Does this go beyond the realm of favorite food?

I guess it’s a spiritual favorite food. Probably some kind of red meat product.

So if red meat is your spiritual food, then presumably a cow would be your spiritual animal, would it not? Sure, why not.

Okay… how ’bout it? They seem very passive, but I don’t know.

Well, you talk very slow… you’re very… we’re gonna say cow. Alright.

Thank you very much, have a good one.

Anonymous 3

What’s your spirit animal? I don’t know.

What’s your favorite animal? That’s just as hard as saying what’s my spirit animal. All animals are good in their own way.

Would you say your spirit animal is a lion? I’m a Leo… but…

There you go… maybe your spirit animal is your spirit animal. Lion or a bird. I wouldn’t mind flyin’. That’d be cool.

Yeah… maybe an eagle? Maybe.

A bald eagle? I’d be a vulture, because everybody thinks they’re ugly creatures, but in reality there just scavengers like us.

But I don’t know who us is, because I don’t eat rotting carcasses. Do you eat vegetables?

Yeah, but vegetables and carcasses are completely different things. You find, you buy, you find things.

They eat like garbage n’ things. So?

Do you eat garbage? Hey! One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.

That’s true, but do you, like, rummage through trash a lot? Do I look like I rummage through trash?

Well, I mean… looks are deceiving. Very true! What’s this for?

The Arts and Culture section of the Vanguard. What is your spirit art? I’m a baker.

What’s your spirit culture… bakery? Work.

Is there a baker you look up to? No, I just look up to people who do well in their life, ya know?

Do you make idols of them and pray to them? No.

Light candles or anything? No, I’m good off the whole thing like that. I got too much to do in my life.

Besides be superstitious. Yeah, I don’t look up to actors or actresses…

Or vultures? Or vultures. I’ll look for them but I won’t look up to them.

Because who wants to dip their head in like, the cow carcass. I’ve stuck my hand into the cow belly, to feel the stomach. I had gloves up to here and there was a hole in the side…